The LOnG LOsT POST !!!!!

The debacle of  PLAYERS made me find the long lost telephonic conversation
 between Money Ratnam and Abhishake Bachpan..


 Here it goes…

Abhishake Bachpan (AB) : Hello?

Money Ratnam (MR) : Hey, ABhi it’s me, Money.

AB : Yo! Money. Wassup! What do you want man?

MR : Money!

AB : I asked what do you want?

MR : Money, money.

AB : Yo, dude. Chill man (starts dancing to Genda Phool)

MR : Arey, no you idiot! Money...paisa, rokda. I was thinking of making a modern version of the Ramayana.

AB : Yo, man that sounds cool. Do I get to play like Ram or somethin’? 

Y’know bows, arrows n’ all?

AB : No, no. There’s a twist. I was thinking of doing it from the point of view of Raavan.

AB : Raavan? Who’s the hero?

MR : Viveik. No, no, I’m kidding. Raavan was a terrible demon. Let’s just say your acting is... erm, the opposite of awesome so you won’t have any problems getting into the skin of the character. Plus I am giving you the liberty go over the top this time.

AB : Wow, like wow!

MR : Think of a cross between Heath Ledger’s Joker on weed and Nana Patekar.

AB : Boy! that’s so khool. So what will this character be called?

Money starts looking around for inspiration. Suddenly his eyes fall upon an empty 0beer bottle. He starts thinking aloud to himself in Tamil which goes beer-a, beer-a.

AB : Beera, awesome. Who’s the leading lady?

MR : Um, Ashwarya?

AB : Awesome, dude! So what will her role be?

MR : Modern version of Sita. Tell her to have lots of food, so that she has the energy to shriek and scream throughout the film in her annoying high-pitched voice. Like she’s doing right now. I can hear her.

AB [angrily] : Aye Money, she’s not screaming man, she’s laughing. Pink Panther 2 is on.

MR : Then what is she laughing at?

[silence for 2 seconds]

Ahem...I digress. Why not double the fun? I was thinking of doing the same film in Tamil. Are you up for it?

AB : Er...No, I don’t do the Tamil accent. Only Hindi and fake American accent.

MR : Hmm...in that case I’ll have to rope in Vikram, who will play Ram in the Hindi version, to play Raavan in the Tamil version.

AB : So Vikram will be the villain in the Tamil version?

MR : No, he’ll be the hero.

AB : But you just said he’ll play Raavan.

MR : Yes

AB : So wasn’t Raavan the villain?

MR : Aiyo, rascal! Don’t confuse me!

AB : Ok chill...hey Money just hold on my servant is here. Ye saare shoe polishes expire ho gaye hai inko le jao.

MR : Wait! Don’t throw them away. We will need them to paint your face in the film.

AB : WTF?

MR : Yes, in order to show the audience that you’re a dark person on the inside, we'll smear your face with boot polish. But don’t worry your teeth will be sparkling white; a leading tooth paste brand is going to sponsor the film.

AB : Whatever dude....you’re strange guy, Money. Anyways, how do we promote this film?

MR : I was thinking of screening the first look of the film at the Cannes film festival. Your wife goes there every year right? Can’t she pull some strings?

AB : Of her dress?

MR : No! To sneak in a print of Raavan to show at the fest! Cannes is vital, because foreign film critics give rave reviews to bad films.

AB : Like Kites?

MR : Yes. And also Delhi-6.

[laughter for one entire minute]

AB : Money, showering fake praises on reality shows isn’t enough. We need a controversy.

MR : Two weeks before the release, you will go to all the news channels and praise Raavan. All the Ram/Shiv/Shankar senas will be charging at us like mad hungry bulls, tearing posters and stuff...you know the drill. Also say that you’re glad that Raavan chose Lanka for the battle and not Maharashtra and work is done. And if we’re really, really lucky, then someone will issue a fatwa against us. Bas. Picture hit, macha!

AB : What an idea, Sirji!

ABhishake hangs up. Turns to Ashwarya starts bulging his eyes, making weird faces, puts up 10 fingers and says loudly "DAS SARO WALA"!

Ashwarya starts screaming...or is she laughing?


--Piyush :)

Jaane Kaha Gaye Woh Din !!!

I'm feeling foolish and stupid. Not that I feel any different any other time of the day (or for that matter month or year, too) but I'm feeling particularly foolish. I was watching television the other day, randomly pressing buttons according to my wish and fancies when I stopped inadvertently at Doordarshan. The waviness of the channel was now a thing of the past and one could actually see the people without lines dancing up and down the bodies of the actors, which took me back to my childhood (which isn't too far behind). And all the stupid things I'd done. And I'm going to top it all up by publicly revealing all those things.

When I was in the fifth grade, Saif Ali Khan had more hair than Kareena Kapoor and Aamir Khan perfected the art of flops with Mela. And it was good. Rani Mukherjee's thighs spanned the entire screen. And, Subhash Ghai made movies like Pardes. It was an innocent time when Karan Johar made a campus movie with a signature move (remember the claps and the short touching on the nose?).

The gorilla-like gestures in KKHH were a rage among youngsters.I still remember a girl in my class got a haircut exactly like Kajol, and all the boys expecting her to turn up in short skirts next, only to our utter dismay, she turned up in school uniform and beat the hell out of us inthe mid- terms.

I remember when I had gone to watch KKHH in Anjali Theatre (yes, you may laugh), the power went off and one particular guy referred to the theatre owner's sister and ordered him to start the movie or face dire consequences (something related to bamboo going somewhere not very nice).

Film names were complete sentences (Har Dil Jo Pyaar Karega, Hum Toh Mohabbat Karega,Hum Dil DE Chuke Sanam, Hum Aapke Hai Kaun, Dilwale Dulhaniya Le Jaayenge and so on). We didn't have the near-perfect Deepika Padukone or the hunk-like Ranbir Kapoor then. We grew up on the Suniel Shetty (with his sinusoidal dialogue delivery), Jackie Shroff (who wasn't prehistoric), Govinda (who occupied a single seat) and the Khan brigade (without the appendixes like Zayed and Fardeen, etc), Sunny (Gadar) Deol with his audible best .

Hrithik Roshan had just burst on to the scene and his extra thumb was the talk among the girls: “Did you see his extra finger? Wow na!” At a camp, a guy had given me a random number and told me that it was Hrithik's number, and out of sheer curiosity, I had dialled the number not once, not twice but nine times! I demanded to speak to Hrithik every time and I wouldn't listen to any explanation whatsoever from the man who had tried telling me that the number belonged to a certain army officer. Only when he threatened to drop in home with an AK-47 (I knew it was a gun which went 'dhadhadhadhadhadha' thanks to Bollywood) did I stop bothering him. That was a close one.

TV was simpler. I remember Star Sports showing WWF (nay, WWE). Somewhere around 2001 was the peak for the single biggest fraud to have ever graced television. 'Stone Cold Steve Austin' was my role model, and Stacy Kiebler my fantasy. We used to wait for the Diva Specials just for the brief glimpse of the heavenly bodies. Broadband Internet was yet another fantasy and we would have had to sell ourselves to afford live streaming of, ahem, educational videos. In fact, I actually thought live streaming was impossible. I'd argued with my friend once saying, “Pagal hai kya? 25 MB ka video online kaise dekhega?” Of course, we also watched Undertaker vs. Mankind in the cage match where Mankind was thrown off the cage. But then there was Trish Status. Sigh. Ambling between the two was all we did during school lunch.

MTV and Channel V showed music videos, where Sameera Reddy was a demure girl, and John Abraham a simple biker in Pankaj Udhas (!) videos. Little did we know that Sameera Reddy would b right into our faces a few years later, or that John Abraham's butt would take biology to an altogether different level. The Aryans brayed like donkeys but we still listened to their songs. Boy bands and Britney were in fashion.

While listening to Backstreet Boys, my friend and I would listen to two lines, look at each others' faces, and ask, “Kya bola yeh? Samjha kya?” Only a few months back did I realise that the second line to 'Show Me The Meaning' was not “Is this the meaning I need to wanted”. I knew there was something wrong with my version, but then I'd never dared to question the wis-dom of the Backstreet Boys.

The only nudity on TV was Sourav Ganguly's hairy chest after India won the Natwest Trophy. And that was perhaps the only moment in history when the sight of a man baring his chest was met with countrywide approval and glee from men and women didn't give two hoots about it. The only reality on TV was that Baa was immortal and Tulsi was responsible for population explosion. her children were scattered around the country (perhaps one for each state?).

Our knowledge of politics too was limited to Advani's croaking and Vajpayee's 0.25X-speed speeches. I distinctly remember myself asking my father during the PM's speech, “Iske pehle wala word kya tha?” There were no blogs, no Facebook, no webcomics. If we had to express our opinion to someone, we had to speak our minds. Kids these days are smart though. Just a few days back, when conversation veered uncomfortably towards youth role, my stories debited more than their fair share of laughter from my 16-year old neice. She asked me, “Mama Bachpan mein you were really dumb, na?” I still am, dear bhanji. I still am. And it's public knowledge now...

-- Piiyush

We the Indians :)

ANT and the GRASSHOPPER

An Old Story:

The ant works hard in the sunny hot day  heat all summer, building its house and laying up supplies for the winter.  The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and laughs & dances & plays the summer away. Comes the winter, the ant is warm and well fed. The grasshopper has no food or shelter so he dies out in the cold.

Indian Version:

The ant works hard in the hot heat all summer building its house and laying up supplies for the winter.

The grasshopper thinks the ant's a fool and laughs & dances & plays the summer away.

Comes the winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others are cold and starving.

NDTV, BBC, AAJ-TAK,INDIA TV show up to provide pictures of the shivering grasshopper next to a video of the ant in his comfortable home with a table filled with food.

The World is stunned by the sharp contrast. How can this be that this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so?

Arundhati Roy stages a demonstration in front of the ant's house.

Anna Hazaare goes on a fast along with other grasshoppers demanding that grasshoppers be relocated to warmer climates during winter .

Menaka Gandhi is confused whose side to be on .. 

Mayawati states this as `injustice' done on Minorities.

UN International and Ban Ki-moon criticize the Indian Government for not upholding the fundamental rights of the Grasshopper.

The Internet is flooded with online petitions seeking support to the grasshopper Opposition MPs stage a walkout. Left parties call for ' Bengal Bandh' in West Bengal and Kerala demanding a Judicial Enquiry.

CM in Kerala immediately passes a law preventing ants from working hard in the heat so as to bring about equality of poverty among ants and grasshoppers.

Mamta Banerjee allocates one free coach to grasshoppers on all Indian Railway Trains, aptly named as the 'grasshopper Rath' and 'Duronto Grasshoppers'.

Finally, the Judicial Committee drafts the ' Prevention of Terrorism Against grasshoppers Act' [POTAGA], with effect from the beginning of the winter.

Kapil Sibal makes 'Special Reservation ' for grasshoppers in Educational Institutions & in Government Services.

The ant is fined for failing to comply with POTAGA and having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes,it's home is confiscated by the Government and handed over to the grasshopper in a ceremony covered by NDTV.

Arundhati Roy calls it ' A Triumph of Justice'.

Mamta Banerjee calls it 'Socialistic Justice'

Ban Ki-moon invites the grasshopper to address the UN General Assembly.

Many years later.....

The ant has since migrated to the US and set up a multi-billion dollar company in Silicon Valley, 100s of grasshoppers still die of starvation despite reservation somewhere in India , ...AND As a result of loosing lot of hard working ants and feeding the grasshoppers, .

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

..

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

India is still a developing country !!!

-- Piiyush

........................ Whats Your Rashi ??

Hope You all Have a rocking year ahead especially after reading this ;) 

And please update your zodiac signs in the comment box below :P

 

Capricon (December 22 - January 19)
If you haven’t celebrated your birthday already, there is a great chance that you will before 19th Jan.
You may or may not find true love this year. It’s a fifty-fifty chance to be honest. Your lucky colours this year are fluorescent orange and magenta. Well not really but once you’re dressed like that it can’t get any worse. Wish you all the luck which you deserve !!

 Aquarius (January 20 -February 18)
It seems like the second month of the year is flying by too fast, but that’s because February has 28 days!!! Good news and bad news for those of you who have been trying to get a promotion – you will get more responsibility and work longer hour’s…. only you won’t be financially compensated for the same. You’r lucky colours this year will be shades of gold, yellow, bronze, green. All of this of course is pure speculation.

 Pisces (February 19 - March 20 )

You will be presented with many opportunities to make unexpected financial gains this year. Keep reminding yourself that end of the season sales are bad ideas. Try flying kites, make paper boats, aeroplanes. This might help you in gaining your self-confidence. True love will come knocking on your door….only to find out that you aren’t home. Your lucky number is the square of 414133 multiplied by the cube root of 6.34 [Special Advice – I suggest you Invest in a 12 digit scientific calculator]

 

Aries (March 21 - April 19 )
Pay close attention to Mundane details this year. Change your barber saloon. Brush your teeth twice a day and wash your hands after you use toilet. And remember if it burns when you pee, it’s probably something serious go visit a civil engineer as soon as possible.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20 )
You will feel optimistic [not optimus-prime] and vibrant throughout the year. Unfortunately no one gives a damm about that. Accept this harsh reality as soon as possible. You will meet your soul mate in this month of May. Sadly he/she is already taken. Don’t bother with lucky numbers and colours .This year is going to be one of your worst. On the brighter note this won’t be “THE WORST”

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
You will meet an attractive person from the opposite sex on a popular social networking site. A week later that person will reveal to you that he/she is infact a fat 45yr old uncle/aunty in an open relationship. I suggest you to abandon Facebook and head over to www.babashamdev.com at once. Wear a cyan-striped shirt with lilac coloured pants every Monday. This won’t change your luck, but it will at least brighten everyone else’s Monday.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
You will suffer from at least one common cold this year due to an unexpected change in the weather. Your boss will finally grant you that much awaited vacation leave …only he will pronounce it as “lay-off”. Students please don’t mess with your college office peon. Around the second half year you will meet your soul-mate. Unfortunately this is the same 45yr old uncle/aunt. I have already warned Gemini about this. You’re lucky colour is white, but every time you wear it a crow will poop on you.

Leo (July 23 - August 22 )
Besides weight gain, acne and unexplained hair growth, you will also make a small financial gain in the game of the housie. Do not trust Irfan Khan, lifetime prepaid sucks. You will travel a lot this year unfortunately your boss won’t pay you for this. Embarrassing details that have been hidden and forgotten may resurface this year. Destroy your 10th slambook at once.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22 )
There is a strange possibility of a change of residence after the bank seals your flat. Try watching IPL season four this year and please don’t curse Mumbai Indians the only eligible team to make finals this year [hope so] And if you curse this team you will develop nasty rash in an unmentionable place which will seriously hamper your sex life be sure to use your ointment. Your lucky number is the square of your pant size and cube of your dad’s shoe size (I've suggested Pisces to invest in 12 digit scientific calculator, you may borrow it).

Libra (September 23 - October 22 )

You will be determined to make a difference at work/college with your enthusiasm and optism, but I am really sorry to say that you will fail miserably. Don’t quit your job I suggest you to continue to half-ass your job. And old flame will return to your life resulting in some exciting romantic encounters. Unfortunately your patner will catch you in the act and dump you on the spot. Try to avoid Taurean’s , they’re going to have a miserable year ahead.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21 )

Plan a surprise for your loved one …. Dump him/her. A promising money making scheme will present itself this year. Let me remind you once again that the Scheme is a Scam. Try watching movies like RVG ki “AGG” and Khidki kholo sajna and television series like Indian Idol and some of fektaa kapoors daily soaps if intrested. Your lucky number is the sum of your phone number multiplied by the exact value of pie (Virgo might be helpful here). Got it !!

 Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21 )
Finance will be good as long as you stay away from the stock exchange market. A guest from a foreign land may visit you. This may also be an exotic virus. The only antivirus can heal this is the Mumbai famous “Atmaram antivirus” (40 bucks Chor Baazaar). Read varieties of newspaper in toilet. Donate all your money to people like me. Pay attention to what comes out of your nose. Your lucky number is 1.37 and lucky colour is Naseerudin Shah’s hair colour.

a ray of hOpe !!!

Dear 'Ex',

We don't talk too often anymore. We don't spend nights on the phone wanting to be in each other's arms.

Yet on some lonely nights, I miss those talks. I miss your voice which for some strange reason, sounded sexier in the silence of the night. I miss having the urge to sleep in your arms. I miss comforting you after a nightmare, telling you I will stay on the phone till you sleep again(though i was sleepy). I miss pretending to sleep just to hear the sweet things you'd say and to feel the butterflies when you'd kiss me goodnight before disconnecting the call... 

We don't meet too often anymore. Hell, we barely even see each other on our own will. It is mere co incidence that we happen to cross each other and even then, we behave like the other barely exists.

Yet on some graceful evenings, I miss having you around. I miss walking with you, slipping my fingers lightly into you. I miss being held while crossing the road. I miss being looked at like there was nothing more beautiful that you've ever seen. God I miss you so much........ 

We don't hug anymore. I barely even touch you for a hand shake for your touch scares me now. Yet I miss your warm embrace. I miss how you'd pull me into a hug when I'm upset and say,"I don't know how to make you okay. Just don't be sad" and how I'd laugh at your innocent efforts amidst the frowns. I miss your hearty hug when you'd grab me and I'd have to look for air to breathe when there was some news to rejoice over.

We don't look into each other's eyes anymore. We barely even look at each other all the little times we meet. It is not like we dislike each other now. It is just that we don't want to make it awkward for the other. Yet, I miss being intoxicated by the agonizingly beautiful brown, liquid centered eyes. I miss having to look for support after looking into your eyes. I miss being looked at with those eyes that spoke so much more than you could ever express.

Today, so many days after I said good bye to you, not knowing when I will have you back again, not knowing if that will ever happen. Back then, you were the craziest thing that happened to me. Back then, I thought I couldn't live without you and being attached to you was something I couldn't control. Back then, I believed that we were all that we could be.

I was wrong. I did learn to live without you and I'm happy if not delighted without your constant interference.
Even though I love my life and that I can't ask for anything more, sometimes I do realize that no matter how much I try to deny the fact that you're not important, may be, just may be you do matter and that you're missed.You're still special to me because once upon a time, you meant the world.

Amidst all the differences that broke us apart, I just want you to know, that may be I still love you.. And I know you love me too.. However, I really wish how much that was enough for you to come back..

Sincerely,
Your 'Ex' who still hopes you'd come back someday