Ramayana....... - Part 1

Maa,

I am kicking myself for being so goody-goody.  I should have stayed back and gotten fat.  But no! I had to act like one those dumb belles in the saas-bahu serials and follow my husband to the forest like a loyal puppy.  What was I thinking!  Sigh… Life was so much cooler at the Palace – all those maids, the soft bed, the scented massage, the gorgeous Jacuzzi…I miss it so bad. And it wasn’t that tough you know.  They mostly stuck to their rooms and all they did was play cards and watch TV. 

Actually it’s Paa-in-law’s fault.  He and his fetish for collecting wives!   Which dork sends his heir to the jungles just because he made a promise to his pretty young wife?  Promises are meant to be broken right? And if everything else fails you can always feign memory loss.  But no! You have to act all upright and send us packing to hell. Gawd! I am so maaaad at him! 

  

Maa, next time when you meet that jealous bitch Kaikeyi at one of your Kitty parties, just give her a tight slap will ya?  You know what, I often dream that I am pushing K and her ugly hunchback Manthra off a cliff.  They go down screaming as I grin widely.   I wish I could do that.  Will you ask Dad, if he can arrange someone to crush that bitch under a speeding BMW?  Please, pretty please? 

sitasingstheblues.com

I was such a fool to think that life in the forest will be like one of those iDiscoveri camps we attended in school.  And that the raw diet would do wonders for my skin and size zero dreams!   I am soo sick of my vegan diet.  If they make me eat another banana, I swear I’ll puke.  And guess what! Even Dominos refuses to deliver here. What cheek! Saying no to royalty.  Wait till I get back, I’ll make sure their license is revoked. 

Life here is even worse than Ram Gopal Varma’s Jungle.  The connectivity is so poor.  Every time I try to log in, I get disconnected.  I haven’t chatted to my FB friends since ages and when I finally managed log in, there was not a single message waiting for me on my wall.  Har ek friend traitor hota hai! Just because I am not rich anymore they think they can treat me like trash! 

Wait till I get back, I will unfriend them all.

I wish I hadn’t fallen in love with Ram at first sight.  This is what happens when you read too many Mills & Boons.  It’s all your fault, you and your hugest collection of those trashy sweet pills which are nothing but a pack of lies!  In reality the strong silent types are crashing bores who prefer laptops to their wives!  Gosh! Maa he’s such a video game junkie.  All he does he play Angry Birds,Assassin’s Creed and pump iron.  I admit that it was his six packs that I actually fell for and he kinda looked cute with his long hair in a bun.  And yeah!  The way he stringed Pa’s ancient bow was kinda hot.  But a woman needs to talk and feel special.  And does he do that?  No sire.  All he does is criticize and sulk when I snap back.

To think I sacrificed the admiration of my hundred admirers to face the criticism of one idiot.  

And that bro-in-law of mine Laksh-man, he kinda freaks me out – acting like my bodyguard, flexing his muscles and giving me that “I’m watching you girl” look!  Yeah! Right!  Get a life dude.  Ram and I could have had a second honeymoon, but for you and your annoying habit of following us like a shadow!   That stupid hut doesn’t even have enough rooms and I keep crashing into that jerk all the time.  And does he eat!  All I do is cook all the time. Nobody even has the decency to ask if I need help.  

Men I tell you.  

I haven’t told you this, have I?  A woman, Surpanakha had been stalking Ram.  I understand my man is quite a chick magnet until he opens his mouth.   So, she was bombarding him with texts and acting all cheap and desperate.  But I know my man, he played cool and disinterested even though she was kinda pretty.  I know coz I checked her albums on FB.  What an amazing wardrobe that woman has and look at me, a walking fashion disaster in my one piece saffron wrap!   It’s been so long since I shopped at Dolce & Gabbanna.  Sigh….

Anways you know naa, Laks always had anger management issues.  One day when Surpanakha was trying to get all hot and heavy with Ram, that joker took out his Swiss knife and chopped her nose off!  Of course she got mad, with plastic surgery so expensive and the poor girl doesn’t even have a medical insurance that covers her nose. I guess shit happens all the time.

I wonder if she’s planning to sue us.

And now even I have managed my very own personal stalkers, not one but two of them. They are dark and one of them is a lil weird.  Remember Abhishekh Bacchan in that ridiculous movie Ravan? One of them kinda looks like him.   I am not too sure whether I should tell Ram.  As such he’s so stressed about that Surpanakha episode. 

Wait!  I just spotted a deer outside of my window.  Hey! It’s a golden colour.  Shit! Where is that damn camera of mine.  I better click some awesome pics and upload it on FB so that all my loser friends know what a good time I am having. 

Maa, I gotta run, will call you tonight.

Mwaah

Sita.

Part 2 
Part 3




-- Piiyush

Ramayana ...... - Part 2

Mommy dearest,

First the good news – I finally managed my first ever foreign trip and that too without a visa.  The bad news – I have been kidnapped.

Remember the golden deer I was soo excited about?  It turned out to be as fake as Aunty Sumitra's Louis Vuitton bags.  And trust Ram and Laks-man to go running after it.  Before I could scream Come back you imbeciles, I spotted that weird Abhishekh Bachhan lookalike winking wildly at me.  God! I was so mad that I had to come out of my eco friendly hut to give him one tight slap.  And you know what that moron does? Pushes me straight into his private jet.  Damn! Why did I leave my pepper spray behind?

Sometimes the universe conspires to give you hell. 

Weirdo’s private jet was kinda strange – an open topped thingy that totally messed up my hair.  Of course I was screaming and throwing a royal fit and that ass kept going hahaha.  Incidentally my dear abductor has a bizarre name – Ra-One. Bwahaha!

Sitasingstheblues.com

Ra-one is such a heartless slob.   Great, that you found me so irresistible that you had to kidnap me.  The least you can do is make the girl happy, right?   But what does he do instead?  Turn a deaf ear when I plead with him to make a stop-over at the ATM in Smaller- Kailash so that I can withdraw some pocket-money.  Brute.  But I got my sweet revenge soon. A giant eagle, Jatayu, flew over our jet and pooped right on his head.  Serve you right!  And guess what the barbarian does, he chops that poor birdie’s wings off.  Why I ask? When you could have simply offered Jatayu a few diapers instead...  

Men, I tell you.

Then it suddenly struck me, what if Ram can never ever find me again?   What if he says...”Oops I lost my wifey” and proceeds to live happily ever after?  I can’t let that happen, can I?  So I start dropping my trinkets (only the cheap ones if you please) and leave clues for my husband.  

Ha!  Now hubby dear can’t claim to be clueless.  

Ra-One has brought me to this strange land, Lanka and he’s like the king or something.  And man! Is he loaded!  You should see his city.  All that glitters is gold here.  Can you imagine, even their buildings are made of it!  Their gold fixation can put even Bappi Lahiri to shame.  But I found it too blingy for my taste.  And the afternoons here are torturous.  The dazzle hurts my eyes and I don’t even have my Versace shades.  

But I believe every cloud has a golden lining.  The other night when I was busy swatting mosquitoes, I got an idea that can change Paa’s life.  All he needs to do is accuse Ra-one of hiding WMD’s and then he can invade Lanka and finally get rid of his debt crisis.  Brilliant, right!  

Lanka may be friggin’ rich but I am being made to twiddle my thumbs under a tree.  Imagine getting abducted from a jungle only to be put in another one.  So tragic naa? Agreed that the forest is kind of well cared for and has a fancy name, Ashok Vatika, but why can’t I get a plush suite instead - with a plunge pool, soft bed and room service?  Isn’t a beautiful woman like me entitled to some tender loving and care?  

What a lousy host this Ra-One is.  Royalty, my foot, is this how you treat your guests! 

Strangely people out here are rather dark.  Hello people, don’t you ever use Fair and Lovely?  And remember that bitch Surpanakha.  I finally saw her without makeup and a seriously messed-up nose job.  Gosh! Doesn’t she look ugly.  Thank God! I didn’t accept her friend request on FB.

It’s been two weeks since I landed in Lanka and I am already bored to death.  I urgently need to be rescued.  Why, I’m even missing my FB friends!  Maa, can you please ask Ram to turn his GPS on? It will be so much simpler for him to locate me.  

And I suspect his highness, Ra-One, suffers from a serious multiple personality disorder – sometimes loony, sometimes moony, sometime giggly, mostly sulky.   How on Earth do I manage to attract such creepy specimens all the time? 

Oh and today was epic, the loony bin actually had the nerve to ask me to marry him.  What cheek! I shouted Shakal dekhi hai apnee aine mein?  And don’t you know I am MARRIED? Once my Mister gets here, you ass will be on fire, mind it!

You know Maa, I almost threw up on his face.  It’s not so difficult you know; as such the food here makes me pukey.  Every damn dish of theirs has kari patta and coconut!  And the other day someone served me something with claws.  I think they call it a crab. Eww...

Hey! Isn’t that a cute creature with a tail staring at me from behind the bushes!   Aww...he looks just like one of those characters from Planet of Apes.  Come ...come...want a banana?  Ahh you have a name too-  Hanu-man did you say?

Part 1
Part 3


-- Piiyush

Ramayana ...... - Part 3

Mommy love,

I can safely say that today was the most miserable day of my life.  Yes, I had a head on collision with the moment that every woman dreads so much.   We try hard to avoid it with yoga, zero carbs and botox.  Yet there’s no escaping its cruel inevitability.

I believe the animal kingdom, in collaboration with foreign hand, has hatched a conspiracy against me.  First a deer pretending to be golden gets me abducted then an ape-man dressed in Super- man gear, crashes my vanity into smithereens.   

Maa you won’t believe this, that Hanu-man called ME, Matajee! Imagine a grown-up ape-man calling me that! This is even worse than Aunty.  When I heard that god damn awful word, my entire neuro-sensory system stopped responding.  My world came crashing down.  All I could hear was the sound of my sobbing heart. “Does he think I am old?” “Have I aged overnight?” “Is this the end of my youth?” “Why me??” 

Sitasingstheblues.com

Just as I was preparing to launch into a tirade against men with juvenile aspirations, Hanu-man flashed his ID as Ram’s search engine.  My heart was split in half now- one half wanted to continue crying for a lost youth and the other half wanted to go “Yahooooo!”  Imagine my Ram, actually making efforts to send a snail-male to trawl for his missing wife! 

Guess all those hours on his laptop playing mindless games did not damage his brains after all. 

But when Hanu-man offered me a free ride home on his back, I had to put my foot down.  What makes Ram think he can take a shortcut and outsource his responsibility to a vanar in red chaddi!  I expect my husband to turn up, challenge Ra-One to a duel in the sun and take me back honourably.  And I have promised Ra-One that my Mister will set his ass on fire.  I can’t go back on my word can I? 

I tell you, my simian savior is one senti chap.  One look at my tear stained face and he went on a tree uprooting rampage.  Sadly the CCTV’s caught Hanu-man’s emotional outburst and he was promptly arrested.  But it was only when he was threatened to be deported to Big Boss 5 to give Shakti-man company, did he completely lose his bearings.  He set Lanka on fire with his ignited tail. 

Strangely Lanka with all its riches doesn’t have a fire brigade. 

Now that Ra-One is pretty much aware that I have Bodyguards who can do much more than sing songs sans their shirts, I have been granted certain privileges; like getting newspapers every morning with my morning tea.  And thanks to Hanu-man’s daredevilry, Ram has acquired a cult status here.  If the man’s courier boy is such a bomb, the man himself has to be an A-bomb.

Since Ram is now a bonafide rockstar, Times of Lanka has started publishing his tweets.  I am thrilled to bits that my man is now an international celebrity and rubbing shoulders with the likes of Poonam Pandey and KRK.   And last week his follower list crossed the 1 million mark – isn’t that awesome Maa! 

Anyhow I can now keep tabs on what Ram’s up to.

In talks with monkey engineer, Nala.

Nala to build a bridge that will put even the Worli Link to shame 

Just signed a peace pact with Varuna, the sea God

Man, do these monkeys love “We will rock you”!  Freddy would have been so proud!

Completed the bridge in 5 days flat -try beating that China! #monkeyingaround

On my way to Lanka with my funky monkeys to save wifey.

@Ra-One If you have drunk your mother’s milk, come and show me your face you Rascalaa! 

Laks-man knocked senseless by Ra-One’s missile.

Lanka’s stock of missiles will put even North Korea to shame.

Ra-One’s son Indrajeet is an awesome illusionist. #respect

@ Indrajeet WTF are you doing in Lanka, you should be in Las Vegas earning fat wads of dollars. 

Laks-man in coma #Oh-no-not-again

@ Hanu-man Need Sanjeevani booti ASAP

@ Hanu-man Did you really have to bring the entire mountain? #dumb antics

Finally managed to fell pesky Ra-One with my Brahmaastra #ikickass

;) RT @ Paris Hilton…Ooh that’s hot!

Gawd! Can Ra-One talk, even on his death bed the man insists on giving gyaan #Yawn

Ra-One enroute to heaven, Lanka seized, honour restored, time to go back home, sweet home.

Oops I forgot all about Sita, where the hell is she? 

The moment I read his last tweet, I booked an appointment for an image makeover.  The least I could do was look my prettiest best for my Ram. 

Maa, what I’ll write now will break your heart.  The husband for whose sake I left the Palace, didn’t think twice before following him to the jungles, cooked and cleaned all day in a poorly ventilated hut, got his name tattooed on my nape, pined for him, followed his idiotic tweets religiously - the same man greets me with a dead fish look and says since you’ve been with my enemy for a year, I shouldn’t be taking you back!  What cheek! As if I took a luxury cruise to Lanka!  As if I invited Ra-One to come and kidnap me!  As if staying in a vatika with ugly women for company was one big party!  As if it was fun eating grub cooked in coconut oil!  Dear Hubs, do you have any idea how difficult it was for me to keep my sanity intact, living in a hostile country, fending off an amorous king – I did it all for your sake, you self righteous moron!  

No, you don’t deserve me, my love or my respect.  Goodbye Ram.  And before you trudge back to Ayodhya to lead a sad, lonely life, let me share this piece of news with you. Rupa has offered me a multimillion dollar book contract to write my memoirs.  I just said yes to them and guess who the villain will be in my book? 

 Now if you will excuse me, I have a book to write.  

I can’t believe I said it Maa.  Gosh, this feels so good!

Your liberated daughter

Sita

Part 1
Part 2 


-- Piiyush