The LOnG LOsT POST !!!!!

The debacle of  PLAYERS made me find the long lost telephonic conversation
 between Money Ratnam and Abhishake Bachpan..


 Here it goes…

Abhishake Bachpan (AB) : Hello?

Money Ratnam (MR) : Hey, ABhi it’s me, Money.

AB : Yo! Money. Wassup! What do you want man?

MR : Money!

AB : I asked what do you want?

MR : Money, money.

AB : Yo, dude. Chill man (starts dancing to Genda Phool)

MR : Arey, no you idiot! Money...paisa, rokda. I was thinking of making a modern version of the Ramayana.

AB : Yo, man that sounds cool. Do I get to play like Ram or somethin’? 

Y’know bows, arrows n’ all?

AB : No, no. There’s a twist. I was thinking of doing it from the point of view of Raavan.

AB : Raavan? Who’s the hero?

MR : Viveik. No, no, I’m kidding. Raavan was a terrible demon. Let’s just say your acting is... erm, the opposite of awesome so you won’t have any problems getting into the skin of the character. Plus I am giving you the liberty go over the top this time.

AB : Wow, like wow!

MR : Think of a cross between Heath Ledger’s Joker on weed and Nana Patekar.

AB : Boy! that’s so khool. So what will this character be called?

Money starts looking around for inspiration. Suddenly his eyes fall upon an empty 0beer bottle. He starts thinking aloud to himself in Tamil which goes beer-a, beer-a.

AB : Beera, awesome. Who’s the leading lady?

MR : Um, Ashwarya?

AB : Awesome, dude! So what will her role be?

MR : Modern version of Sita. Tell her to have lots of food, so that she has the energy to shriek and scream throughout the film in her annoying high-pitched voice. Like she’s doing right now. I can hear her.

AB [angrily] : Aye Money, she’s not screaming man, she’s laughing. Pink Panther 2 is on.

MR : Then what is she laughing at?

[silence for 2 seconds]

Ahem...I digress. Why not double the fun? I was thinking of doing the same film in Tamil. Are you up for it?

AB : Er...No, I don’t do the Tamil accent. Only Hindi and fake American accent.

MR : Hmm...in that case I’ll have to rope in Vikram, who will play Ram in the Hindi version, to play Raavan in the Tamil version.

AB : So Vikram will be the villain in the Tamil version?

MR : No, he’ll be the hero.

AB : But you just said he’ll play Raavan.

MR : Yes

AB : So wasn’t Raavan the villain?

MR : Aiyo, rascal! Don’t confuse me!

AB : Ok chill...hey Money just hold on my servant is here. Ye saare shoe polishes expire ho gaye hai inko le jao.

MR : Wait! Don’t throw them away. We will need them to paint your face in the film.

AB : WTF?

MR : Yes, in order to show the audience that you’re a dark person on the inside, we'll smear your face with boot polish. But don’t worry your teeth will be sparkling white; a leading tooth paste brand is going to sponsor the film.

AB : Whatever dude....you’re strange guy, Money. Anyways, how do we promote this film?

MR : I was thinking of screening the first look of the film at the Cannes film festival. Your wife goes there every year right? Can’t she pull some strings?

AB : Of her dress?

MR : No! To sneak in a print of Raavan to show at the fest! Cannes is vital, because foreign film critics give rave reviews to bad films.

AB : Like Kites?

MR : Yes. And also Delhi-6.

[laughter for one entire minute]

AB : Money, showering fake praises on reality shows isn’t enough. We need a controversy.

MR : Two weeks before the release, you will go to all the news channels and praise Raavan. All the Ram/Shiv/Shankar senas will be charging at us like mad hungry bulls, tearing posters and stuff...you know the drill. Also say that you’re glad that Raavan chose Lanka for the battle and not Maharashtra and work is done. And if we’re really, really lucky, then someone will issue a fatwa against us. Bas. Picture hit, macha!

AB : What an idea, Sirji!

ABhishake hangs up. Turns to Ashwarya starts bulging his eyes, making weird faces, puts up 10 fingers and says loudly "DAS SARO WALA"!

Ashwarya starts screaming...or is she laughing?


--Piyush :)