How it Changed.

Here I am sitting in my office @ night…
Thinking hard about life
How it changed from a college life to strict professional life…...

How tiny pocket money changed to huge monthly paychecks
but then why it gives less happiness….

How a few local denim jeans changed to new branded wardrobe
but then why there are less people to use them...

How a single plate of samosa changed to a full Pizza or burger
But then why there is less hunger…..

Here I am sitting in my office @ night…
Thinking hard about life,
How it changed…..

How a bike always in reserve changed to car with full tanks..
but then why there are less places to go……

How Taprees changed to cafe coffee day
but then why its feels like shop is far away…..

How a limited prepaid card changed to postpaid package
but then why there are less calls & more messages……

Here i am sitting in my office @ night…
Thinking hard about life
How it changed…..

How a general class journey changed to Flight journey
But then why there are less vacations for enjoyment….

How an old assembled desktop changed to new branded laptop
but then why there is less time to put it on……….

How a small bunch of friends changed to office mate
But then why we always feel lonely n miss those college friends.….

Here i am sitting in my office @ night…
Thinking hard about life
How it changed….. How it changed

-- Piiyush

a ray of hOpe !!!

Dear 'Ex',

We don't talk too often anymore. We don't spend nights on the phone wanting to be in each other's arms.

Yet on some lonely nights, I miss those talks. I miss your voice which for some strange reason, sounded sexier in the silence of the night. I miss having the urge to sleep in your arms. I miss comforting you after a nightmare, telling you I will stay on the phone till you sleep again(though i was sleepy). I miss pretending to sleep just to hear the sweet things you'd say and to feel the butterflies when you'd kiss me goodnight before disconnecting the call... 

We don't meet too often anymore. Hell, we barely even see each other on our own will. It is mere co incidence that we happen to cross each other and even then, we behave like the other barely exists.

Yet on some graceful evenings, I miss having you around. I miss walking with you, slipping my fingers lightly into you. I miss being held while crossing the road. I miss being looked at like there was nothing more beautiful that you've ever seen. God I miss you so much........ 

We don't hug anymore. I barely even touch you for a hand shake for your touch scares me now. Yet I miss your warm embrace. I miss how you'd pull me into a hug when I'm upset and say,"I don't know how to make you okay. Just don't be sad" and how I'd laugh at your innocent efforts amidst the frowns. I miss your hearty hug when you'd grab me and I'd have to look for air to breathe when there was some news to rejoice over.

We don't look into each other's eyes anymore. We barely even look at each other all the little times we meet. It is not like we dislike each other now. It is just that we don't want to make it awkward for the other. Yet, I miss being intoxicated by the agonizingly beautiful brown, liquid centered eyes. I miss having to look for support after looking into your eyes. I miss being looked at with those eyes that spoke so much more than you could ever express.

Today, so many days after I said good bye to you, not knowing when I will have you back again, not knowing if that will ever happen. Back then, you were the craziest thing that happened to me. Back then, I thought I couldn't live without you and being attached to you was something I couldn't control. Back then, I believed that we were all that we could be.

I was wrong. I did learn to live without you and I'm happy if not delighted without your constant interference.
Even though I love my life and that I can't ask for anything more, sometimes I do realize that no matter how much I try to deny the fact that you're not important, may be, just may be you do matter and that you're missed.You're still special to me because once upon a time, you meant the world.

Amidst all the differences that broke us apart, I just want you to know, that may be I still love you.. And I know you love me too.. However, I really wish how much that was enough for you to come back..

Sincerely,
Your 'Ex' who still hopes you'd come back someday

Love ... another four letter word !!

When you are in this world, you are judged based on umpteen traits, achievements, success, failure, broken limbs, glasses, marital status, children, parents and the list will go on and on and on. We even judge you based on your name, your surname. This is what leads you to take decisions which you wouldn’t have, if you didn’t have the fear of society. The other day, I had a discussion with someone on twitter. He tweeted; “need help in regards to love or marriage”. I replied back, the conversation started. He mentioned he cannot marry his girlfriend because she is from a different caste and his father is orthodox. I suggested him to still speak to his parents and man up! Eventually, I angered up and he stopped replying. Perhaps he had logged out. Next day, he mentioned his father is a heart patient and he does not wish to take chances. Hence, he would silently suffer, let the girl know of his situation and move on.

The truth is, nobody moves on !!!!! Nobody.....

The life moves on but you do not. The people who say they move on, I would like to look them in the eye and talk over a drink. I really would. How cruel are we as society, as human beings! At times, I feel dogs are better than us. They enjoy each bitch and lead a dog’s life. We do the same behind the closed doors. Just for a lifelong jhooti izzat /namesake reputation/ we keep dying every day. Some die without love, some for love and some because they do not know what love is. It’s hard to tell who suffers the most.

I have been through various phases in this little life that I have. First, I wanted to live for myself., Then in an imaginary family that I wanted with certain someone, Then, I wanted to live for a family. Then, I wanted to live. Then, I wanted to live for materials. I was really happy when I was only living for materials. It’s very easy and convenient to live such a life. You earn, you earn some more and you buy, you buy some more. If you wish to earn money and live for money, you will have a much happier life. The problem starts, when you do not wish to live for money, you wish to live for love. Love cannot be bought with money; love cannot be bought with the reputation you keep building throughout your life, love cannot be forced, love cannot be taught, love can only be felt and if you don’t know what love is, then you will, I hope you do one day, someday.

Today, I live for myself. Money, love, family, blah, all these fancy words do not affect me anymore. It’s a state of mind that I never thought I would be in. I was a materialistic person. However, now, I am happy with whatever wordplay I do every day. Love, a four letter word, that I have started hating. I hate it because I have seen so many people suffer. In the name of god, in the name of family, in the name of religion, in the name of love they have to surrender themselves to something so shallow. They have to choose between insanity and love, and yet, they choose insanity. Insanity that this world feeds on, insanity that makes you suffer, insanity that drives you where you never wanted to be.

Why are they afraid to let you be? Who are they to judge you, for you being you? Who are they to decide or change your priorities? Who are they?

I wish I had the answers. And whatever I have penned down, I wish I implement in my own life!

How things would change??

As I entered the four walls of office for the first time I was gripped with a strange feeling that how things would change. I could sense the burden of responsibilities on my shoulder and feel the breeze of seriousness around.


Right from the entrance everything was different. The iron gates of college changed to the robotic ones. The ever smiling security guards(mama) changed to surveillance cameras and access cards. Employee id took the place of roll number. Trainers took the place of teachers and Boss was the new principal. My quoted T-shirt and torn jeans were replaced by formal shirts and trousers :( . The colors of life changed to commercial blues and blacks and the only designs dominating are horizontals and verticals. Comfort breaks were my only bunks and lectures took form of training sessions. College katta will now be enclosed to AC cafeteria.



However as after every night comes a day, after all the minuses comes the plus. Now there won't be monthly reporting of expenses to dad, as my pocket money would change to salary. All my clothes in the wardrobe will get a label and even I would own the Zod's and the Blackberries. My prepaid number would change to postpaid and extra lectures would be termed as paid overtimes. Now there won't be late night boozing but official Corporate Parties.


From boy next door I will be the Eligible Bachelor and will be watching movies on Friday nights instead of early morning shows at multiplexes...

How things would change???

Relationship !!!!

Last month I bought a suave new Laptop. And God, I was so hyper about it? All through the next one week I kept exploring its features to the maximum (carrying it wherever I went!!!). But as the time passed I didn’t seem as interested and excited as I was when I just bought it. It was just then I thought, I’ll probably see my hyper-self again when I lay my hand on another gadget.







I think there is a latent lesson in relationship here. And the more I thought about it, the more the answers to what makes a relationship click or bleak grew on me.

Yes, I am Wrong !!!!

Saturday 7th February'09

I came to this city, though no one wanted me to,
I was WRONG.

I did engineering, though I didn't want to,
I was WRONG.

I roamed around with my friends, though my conscious didn't want to,
I was WRONG.

I neglected my studies, though my teachers didn't want me to,
I was WRONG.

I met this girl and spent all the time with her, though my friends didn't want me to,
I was WRONG.

I proposed her, though my brain didn't want me to,
I was WRONG.

I wanted to marry her, though my parents didn't want me to,
I was WRONG.

I broke with her, though my heart didn't want me to,
I was WRONG.

I didn't move on, though everyone wanted me to,
I was WRONG.

I am lonelt today, though I don't want to,

COS I AM WRONG !!!!!!!

IT HAPPENS !!!!!!!!!

The marriage was to begin from 8 pm. It was 5 in the evening; Jenny started getting ready. Rohit called, he asked Jenny to wear the pretty white dress that he had gifted her. Jenny stood in front of the mirror, gently combing her. The sun rays entered through the window bathing the whole room in soft golden light. The tears in her eyes made her eyes sparkle and look very beautiful. “What an irony!” she thought, “these eyes shine more when they cry” She then looked at her reflection in the mirror; indeed she looked beautiful in this white dress, just as Rohit had mentioned. “What an irony!” she smiled and whispered to herself. Today, Rohit, the only man she ever loved, was getting married. Rohit wanted Jenny, his best friend, to attend his wedding though Jenny tried very hard to avoid this wedding, after all how could she see her love going away from her, forever, and still keep smiling, keep pretending to be happy. But all in vain, Rohit would not listen to any excuse. Tears were rolling down Jenny’s cheek. She felt like a corpse being dressed up in the best clothes just before the burial. And perhaps it was true because for her the world had come to an end. The cuckoos had returned to their nest on the branches and were singing very beautifully. The others birds too were singing as if joining the chorus. Life sometimes has such a bitter sense of humor.

Jenny reached at Rohit’s place. Rohit was all prepared for the biggest event, and his happiness was very evident on his face. Rohit wore a very elegant sherwaani. Jenny saw Rohit, she was captivated by his appearance, and stood there staring at him for a second or two before coming back to her senses. She congratulated Rohit. Rohit was having problems wearing the turban (pagdhi) as his spectacles kept falling off whenever he adjusted his turban. Jenny helped him wear it. She was now standing so close to him. She so desperately wanted to touch him, at least one last time. The turban got adjusted; Rohit now looked like a handsome prince. His mom came in she was beaming with happiness as her son looked so handsome. Rohit introduced his mom to Jenny. His mom looked at Jenny; it was a peculiar gaze, full of happiness, awe, and hesitation. And why wouldn’t that be, because Rohit always kept talking about Jenny. Rohit’s family and relatives initially thought that Rohit was in a relationship with Jenny. One day his mom asked him about his relationship with Jenny. “Mom! Jenny is my best friend, that’s it nothing more, nothing less” Rohit replied “besides; she is a Christian and a non vegetarian. If I marry her not only will we be having cultural clashes in our house but also food crisis. She can’t have food without non-vegetarian dish and you can’t bear non – vegetarian food.”

Mom had brought the photographer along. He wanted to click photographs of Rohit for the wedding album. The photographer asked Rohit to stand sideways and look where Jenny was standing. Rohit was now looking at Jenny. She wanted to look at him straight into his eyes, to show him how much she loved him, and yet she was feeling so shy in opening herself up this way. She knew this was the only private moment that she will ever have with Rohit and yet with all the other people around, she was feeling shy. Jenny would look into Rohit’s eyes for a fraction and then divert her gaze. Rohit was steadily gazing at her, whether it was because the photographer had asked him to or because he had sensed something in her; Jenny would never know but for her that was not important, what was important was this moment, when Rohit’s eyes saw only her and nothing else. She did not want to lose it and every now and then look into Rohit’s eyes. “Now please look straight in the camera and smile” the photographer said, Rohit shifted his pose and was now looking in camera. Jenny felt suffocated and went and stood by the window, Rohit would not let her go out of the room. He wanted his best friend to be by his side on this day. “Hurry up Rohit! The baarat is waiting for you” Rohit’s mom said.

The baarat reached the venue. Rohit was sitting on the stage surrounded by his friends and relatives. The bride came on the stage with a garland in her hands. She was wearing traditional red colored dress with lots if jewelry. Indeed the bride looked very beautiful, and the couple looked very pretty together. The couple soon exchanged their garlands; all the relatives came and congratulated them. Jenny too went and congratulated the couple. “So finally we meet” the bride said, “I have heard so much about you from Rohit that it appears that I have known you for ages”. Jenny smiled, she did not say anything.

Jenny reached home at around 4 am. She could not sleep and went out to take a stroll on the sea shore. A gentle breeze was blowing; she could hear the sound of the waves. They seemed like lullaby that a mother sings to ease her baby’s pain. Jenny took off her sandals. Every now and then a wave would come and touch her feet. Jenny walked a few steps into the sea and sat down. She started crying, the time she had spent with Rohit, all those big and small moments flashed before her eyes. Jenny picked up a rock and threw it with all her might in to the sea. Her hands searched for another rock but this time all she could get was a fist full of sand. She clenched her fists very tight, as if not wanting to let the sand to go. She hid her face between her knees and started sobbing incessantly. Every now and then a wave would come and stroke her hands gently as if asking her to release the grip and every time Jenny would tighten her grip even more…
Posted by piiyush at 6:36 AM

New Innings !!!!!!!

To somebody who is/was very special,

I am absolutely fine now. Life after a harsh struggle of four years, is falling upon the right track. These four years were like hell fire. Let me be brutally honest to you, at times I felt like quitting and putting an end to everything! I did not expect life to be a bed of roses. But I did not know it would be a bumpy ride full of hair pin bents either.

I did not expect any favours from you - including monetary expectations. But yes I expected your patient ear. Yes I expect your hands to caress me and rub my back. Yes expected your voice to sooth my ears. Yes I expected your presence, as mere being in your company would have soared my spirits. I expected your deep glance, which would assure me “everything will be alright.’

But maybe I was being unreasonable in my expectations. Rather expecting anything was my biggest mistake. When I called you, most of the times you did not pick my calls. You did not even bother to call me back. You yourself confessed that there was no particular reason for not attending the calls. When you picked the phone (if I were lucky) and uttered the word ‘halo’ my pouncing heart got some relief and your single word was enough to make my day a better one. But your following words ‘Don’t be a cry baby’, ‘you cannot change fate’, ‘I can’t help it’ made my days even sadder. I knew I was crying and whining and I knew you could not help it. As regards fate, I never believed it and I do not even believe it today, after four long years of suffering. I gave my best shot, did all the efforts I could, but things did not work out. Yes, I thank God or the Supreme soul or positive energy (I am still confused which of these exists) for all my blessings. But I still do not believe in the fate.

Let me be honest, your words were true, but were too lethal. Your words pierced my tender heart and shattered it into pieces. To add to my misery, everyone around me had a very supporting network and people to fall back upon. Further there was no reason for you being so dry and indifferent. There was no love lost between us, there were no arguments, no ego clashes -there was absolutely nothing to sour our relation. I wonder till date why you remained so untouched and aloof to my lonely sufferings.

Today I have collected all the pieces of my life and am trying to put them together. I have started a new inning of life. Yes, I agree with you that this experience has made much more confident and a much better person. But how can I attribute your indifference towards my sufferings as a crucial factor in my development as a person? I do not wish to analyze whether you are right or wrong. But how can you be so blunt? You assert that you are always there for me, but why are you not being vocal about your feelings and assure me that you reciprocate my feelings.

Do not feel guilty. Let me make it very clear, you were special and continue to be one. I am very happy today and I do not blame you for my sufferings. I have learnt not to react form the heart, but from the little thing on my shoulders. I know you would not call me to wish good luck and expect me (as always) to understand that your best wishes are always with me. I have moved on and realised that there are no reasons at all for the behaviour of people. My new inning of life has started and I am looking forward to make it big. Forgive me for boasting, but I am confident that I will make it big even this time without requiring any one to boost my morale. Because now I know that I am my best friend!