Divorced Bachelor ;)

Although my blog is written with a men's perspective, I don’t deny the struggles of women.

Divorce should never be your first option, nor should it be your second. But when there is nowhere else to turn to get yourself back, divorce can sometimes be the only option left. It can save you from the pain that you were never meant to feel for the rest of your life.

Even though divorce numbers are going up by the day - it is still a Taboo in Indian society no matter how educated or 'forward' we are.

Marriage is considered so holy in India that if anyone talks about divorce he is looked at as a third rated criminal.

Never mind how unhappy couples are, they are expected to just stay together and have a smile on your face & play nice for world to see. 

It's not easy for anyone be it a girl or a boy. Everyone faces certain challenges and issues depending upon the circumstances:

Are you young or in advanced age?

Are you in a metro or a small town?

Was the relationship too hard before it broke or just snapped without much struggle?

• The girl just left without much drama about money and other allegations

Are you on your own or with family (Parents?)

Let's see a typical day of one such divorced bachelor ;)

6.45 AM: Alarm rings. Snoozes it, hug it and back to sleep.

It's both. It doesn't hug you back. On the other hand, it doesn't refuse to let you hug it either.

7:00AM: Wake up. Head to bathroom. The seat can be up or down, doesn't matter. If its broken, just put it there for now, and fix it over next weekend or the next one.. or the next..

7:30 AM: Get tea. If mom's around, she will make it. If not, make the tea (It's really a big deal considering the probability that Milk is available). Have tea and read newspaper, another round of tea, all quite. Barely any words spoken yet.

8:30 AM: Hit the shower. Put all your laundry for washing. (When mom's not around), adjust your office timing to accommodate maid's timing. Nothing new here. Used to do it when I a bachelor.

9:15 AM: Get to work, catch up with people.. start work..

somewhere between 10:00 AM – 1:00 PM: in a middle of drafting email or a meeting or something. I am going to die alone. How is this going to turn out. Where was I wrong. Why…' take a break. Head for another round tea (read smoke). Same thoughts going on… in 15 mins, some will join you and divert your thoughts.. so you heard the news? About #Brexit, someone leaving office, boss wanted those presentations….' back to reality. Back to work.

4:00 PM: Panic attack round 2. Same routine as morning.

6:30 PM: That's it. I don’t want to do this crazy work anymore. I am calling it a day. Why should I work like this? I don't have anyone to earn for. I should just quit this circus and do something better.

ab ghar ja kar kya karunga? Sit in car for 10 mins and try to figure out, if you can think of someplace to go.

7:30 PM: Park your car, walk to the local tea joint. Enjoy tea, smoke, lost in your thoughts. Speak to no one. No one calls you to check where are you.

8:00 PM:

(if mom's around)

What for dinner?

Mom: xyz.

You: what crap, you make what you wish, never cook what I like. Too spicy or no spicy... blah blah blah…

(whatever be the topic of fight it boils down to: Just leave my home and go, it's all your fault.)

Mom: don't put your blame on me. You screwed up. Blah blah blah.

(if mom's not around)

Put on TV.. nothing interesting.

Put a channel that has something with loudest noise and minimum nuisance value and walk away (Some music channel usually).

Call home.. Give Daily updates.. Crib about all the things in the world.

Dinner time.. Check if maid has cooked or eat out? Or order?

Too many options... Fridge has some things, but I don't want to eat this.

Wish someone else could just decide what to eat.

Idea. Let me first take that laundry for ironing and decide about dinner on the way.

9:00 PM: Buy Beer on the way back from laundry (its “just a little off“ the way) and Damn! That a hot girl. Sulk. You are going to be alone. There. That sure wasted my beer. Now I need another pint.

10:00 PM: Just eat whatever is there. It's not like you are a health freak but essentially eat what is  convenient and justify to yourself).

10:00 – 1 AM: (TV/net time)

If TV:

Watch TV and think 'what the hell am I going do with my life? How the hell am I going to live like this. Life is so difficult. How the hell are all these guys able to manage it.

Saala bacha adopt kar leta hu? Par usko paalunga kaise akele?'

If Net:

Go to Quora, read for an hour.. get bored. Another social site for a while. Get bored. See Facebook updates, sulk.

1 AM:

Where’s the mobile let me check if I have any messages.. Reply to every damn message on whatsapp(group, no one messages you in person). Doze off.

AND…

6.45AM -1 AM: Its always at the back of the mind. The voices just don't stop…..

Some days:

6:30 PM:

Friend calls: Abey, kidhar hain?

Me: office.

Him: lets meet. I am coming. (read: I want to drink. You are single. You are my company.)

6:30 – 9:30 – 10 PM:

In some bar, him cribbing: my wife and I fought…..blah blah blah..(marital life crib, same story different couple)

Weekends:

Nothing much to do: Call friends.. and usually this is how it goes…

Guy 1: Family thingy.. Shopping

Guy 2: (Separated), he'll just crib. Forget it

Guy 3: Taking kids out.

Guy 4: Wife out. Me and kids home.. come over.. (read: we are gonna watch pogo.)

Guy 5: (Separated): He's too weird. Am not meeting him..

And ends up usually with some family friends and discuss where's the industry heading, the country is heading.

And then mandatory 'shaadi kar le' talks. 

Me: Never again! (It wasn't a pleasant marriage and it been a very rough divorce. I am not doing it again.)

Hopefully, I will get up some day, with no negative thoughts in the head and move on with life :)   

                                                                                                                                              -- Piyush

How it Changed.

Here I am sitting in my office @ night…
Thinking hard about life
How it changed from a college life to strict professional life…...

How tiny pocket money changed to huge monthly paychecks
but then why it gives less happiness….

How a few local denim jeans changed to new branded wardrobe
but then why there are less people to use them...

How a single plate of samosa changed to a full Pizza or burger
But then why there is less hunger…..

Here I am sitting in my office @ night…
Thinking hard about life,
How it changed…..

How a bike always in reserve changed to car with full tanks..
but then why there are less places to go……

How Taprees changed to cafe coffee day
but then why its feels like shop is far away…..

How a limited prepaid card changed to postpaid package
but then why there are less calls & more messages……

Here i am sitting in my office @ night…
Thinking hard about life
How it changed…..

How a general class journey changed to Flight journey
But then why there are less vacations for enjoyment….

How an old assembled desktop changed to new branded laptop
but then why there is less time to put it on……….

How a small bunch of friends changed to office mate
But then why we always feel lonely n miss those college friends.….

Here i am sitting in my office @ night…
Thinking hard about life
How it changed….. How it changed

-- Piiyush

Take A Bow Master !!!

On days like this, I feel like such a proud Indian. Cricket makes the world go round—if you’re Indian that is. If you’re not, well then, you have no clue what you’re missing out on. When people tell me Cricket is ‘lame’ or ‘it’s a poor man’s baseball’, I fume with anger. Then I look to them, smile and say, “I have one name for you: Sachin Tendulkar.” Burn. The God of Cricket, whom I grown up looking up to for a number of reasons, has never failed to silence his critics. More recently, they were on his back after he seemed to be having a rather lackluster few months on the pitch; they all believed he needed to throw in the towel and call it a day. The media went gung ho over his 100th century, which was just not happening for the Master Blaster. But we never heard Tendlya utter a single word. As usual, being the true professional that he is,  Sachin decided to let his bat speak. And amidst the intense pressure,  it finally happened which forced his critics had to do the one thing we all knew they’d eventually do:  eat their dirty words. 



March 16, 2012. India vs. Bangladesh, Asia Cup. 

Sachin Tendulkar scores his 100th hundred. I.e. 10,000 one ton runs. And if you think for a minute, that he’ll get a big head about it, trust me, he’s modest as he’ll ever be. If you managed to witness this historic moment, you were in for a delightful treat. Every single signature Sachin Tendulkar shot was played in this epic innings. And thus, it became the most beautiful innings to be played. At 99, our hearts stopped. We waited with abated breath. Then, it happened. I don’t know about anyone else, but I definitely choked up. I had just witnessed history in the making. It’s most likely that no other cricketer will ever go on to achieve such a monumental triumph. And the fact that it is Tendulkar just made this occasion that much more special.

The Master Blaster himself, who couldn’t understand why his 100th century was such a big deal especially since his 99th century occurred at the World Cup last year, simply looked to the sky, thanked the heavens and then pointed to his helmet. This was an achievement for the country. This is how he is, Sachin Ramesh Tendulkar; just like this.
To his critics, all I want to say is: “Take that.” How anyone can even suggest that SRT is incapable, has lost his touch or is plain old, is blasphemy. There is a reason why he is the best cricketer on this planet, this is why. He doesn’t care what his so-called “critics” have to say. And neither do us, his fans.

As for Sachin, when he’s ready, he’ll call it quits. Who are we to tell The God that his time is up? Mere mortals, we are. We should just be grateful that we were able to witness a world class innings filled with elegance, style, passion and one that was a slap to everyone who believed he wouldn’t/couldn’t do it.

SRT, take a bow. I knew you’d eventually make that ton; I had no doubt. And I’m damn sure you’ll do it again. You may not consider yourself a god, but we sure as hell will bow to you. A hundred 100’s and beyond, you Legend you.

Ramayana....... - Part 1

Maa,

I am kicking myself for being so goody-goody.  I should have stayed back and gotten fat.  But no! I had to act like one those dumb belles in the saas-bahu serials and follow my husband to the forest like a loyal puppy.  What was I thinking!  Sigh… Life was so much cooler at the Palace – all those maids, the soft bed, the scented massage, the gorgeous Jacuzzi…I miss it so bad. And it wasn’t that tough you know.  They mostly stuck to their rooms and all they did was play cards and watch TV. 

Actually it’s Paa-in-law’s fault.  He and his fetish for collecting wives!   Which dork sends his heir to the jungles just because he made a promise to his pretty young wife?  Promises are meant to be broken right? And if everything else fails you can always feign memory loss.  But no! You have to act all upright and send us packing to hell. Gawd! I am so maaaad at him! 

  

Maa, next time when you meet that jealous bitch Kaikeyi at one of your Kitty parties, just give her a tight slap will ya?  You know what, I often dream that I am pushing K and her ugly hunchback Manthra off a cliff.  They go down screaming as I grin widely.   I wish I could do that.  Will you ask Dad, if he can arrange someone to crush that bitch under a speeding BMW?  Please, pretty please? 

sitasingstheblues.com

I was such a fool to think that life in the forest will be like one of those iDiscoveri camps we attended in school.  And that the raw diet would do wonders for my skin and size zero dreams!   I am soo sick of my vegan diet.  If they make me eat another banana, I swear I’ll puke.  And guess what! Even Dominos refuses to deliver here. What cheek! Saying no to royalty.  Wait till I get back, I’ll make sure their license is revoked. 

Life here is even worse than Ram Gopal Varma’s Jungle.  The connectivity is so poor.  Every time I try to log in, I get disconnected.  I haven’t chatted to my FB friends since ages and when I finally managed log in, there was not a single message waiting for me on my wall.  Har ek friend traitor hota hai! Just because I am not rich anymore they think they can treat me like trash! 

Wait till I get back, I will unfriend them all.

I wish I hadn’t fallen in love with Ram at first sight.  This is what happens when you read too many Mills & Boons.  It’s all your fault, you and your hugest collection of those trashy sweet pills which are nothing but a pack of lies!  In reality the strong silent types are crashing bores who prefer laptops to their wives!  Gosh! Maa he’s such a video game junkie.  All he does he play Angry Birds,Assassin’s Creed and pump iron.  I admit that it was his six packs that I actually fell for and he kinda looked cute with his long hair in a bun.  And yeah!  The way he stringed Pa’s ancient bow was kinda hot.  But a woman needs to talk and feel special.  And does he do that?  No sire.  All he does is criticize and sulk when I snap back.

To think I sacrificed the admiration of my hundred admirers to face the criticism of one idiot.  

And that bro-in-law of mine Laksh-man, he kinda freaks me out – acting like my bodyguard, flexing his muscles and giving me that “I’m watching you girl” look!  Yeah! Right!  Get a life dude.  Ram and I could have had a second honeymoon, but for you and your annoying habit of following us like a shadow!   That stupid hut doesn’t even have enough rooms and I keep crashing into that jerk all the time.  And does he eat!  All I do is cook all the time. Nobody even has the decency to ask if I need help.  

Men I tell you.  

I haven’t told you this, have I?  A woman, Surpanakha had been stalking Ram.  I understand my man is quite a chick magnet until he opens his mouth.   So, she was bombarding him with texts and acting all cheap and desperate.  But I know my man, he played cool and disinterested even though she was kinda pretty.  I know coz I checked her albums on FB.  What an amazing wardrobe that woman has and look at me, a walking fashion disaster in my one piece saffron wrap!   It’s been so long since I shopped at Dolce & Gabbanna.  Sigh….

Anways you know naa, Laks always had anger management issues.  One day when Surpanakha was trying to get all hot and heavy with Ram, that joker took out his Swiss knife and chopped her nose off!  Of course she got mad, with plastic surgery so expensive and the poor girl doesn’t even have a medical insurance that covers her nose. I guess shit happens all the time.

I wonder if she’s planning to sue us.

And now even I have managed my very own personal stalkers, not one but two of them. They are dark and one of them is a lil weird.  Remember Abhishekh Bacchan in that ridiculous movie Ravan? One of them kinda looks like him.   I am not too sure whether I should tell Ram.  As such he’s so stressed about that Surpanakha episode. 

Wait!  I just spotted a deer outside of my window.  Hey! It’s a golden colour.  Shit! Where is that damn camera of mine.  I better click some awesome pics and upload it on FB so that all my loser friends know what a good time I am having. 

Maa, I gotta run, will call you tonight.

Mwaah

Sita.

Part 2 
Part 3




-- Piiyush

Ramayana ...... - Part 2

Mommy dearest,

First the good news – I finally managed my first ever foreign trip and that too without a visa.  The bad news – I have been kidnapped.

Remember the golden deer I was soo excited about?  It turned out to be as fake as Aunty Sumitra's Louis Vuitton bags.  And trust Ram and Laks-man to go running after it.  Before I could scream Come back you imbeciles, I spotted that weird Abhishekh Bachhan lookalike winking wildly at me.  God! I was so mad that I had to come out of my eco friendly hut to give him one tight slap.  And you know what that moron does? Pushes me straight into his private jet.  Damn! Why did I leave my pepper spray behind?

Sometimes the universe conspires to give you hell. 

Weirdo’s private jet was kinda strange – an open topped thingy that totally messed up my hair.  Of course I was screaming and throwing a royal fit and that ass kept going hahaha.  Incidentally my dear abductor has a bizarre name – Ra-One. Bwahaha!

Sitasingstheblues.com

Ra-one is such a heartless slob.   Great, that you found me so irresistible that you had to kidnap me.  The least you can do is make the girl happy, right?   But what does he do instead?  Turn a deaf ear when I plead with him to make a stop-over at the ATM in Smaller- Kailash so that I can withdraw some pocket-money.  Brute.  But I got my sweet revenge soon. A giant eagle, Jatayu, flew over our jet and pooped right on his head.  Serve you right!  And guess what the barbarian does, he chops that poor birdie’s wings off.  Why I ask? When you could have simply offered Jatayu a few diapers instead...  

Men, I tell you.

Then it suddenly struck me, what if Ram can never ever find me again?   What if he says...”Oops I lost my wifey” and proceeds to live happily ever after?  I can’t let that happen, can I?  So I start dropping my trinkets (only the cheap ones if you please) and leave clues for my husband.  

Ha!  Now hubby dear can’t claim to be clueless.  

Ra-One has brought me to this strange land, Lanka and he’s like the king or something.  And man! Is he loaded!  You should see his city.  All that glitters is gold here.  Can you imagine, even their buildings are made of it!  Their gold fixation can put even Bappi Lahiri to shame.  But I found it too blingy for my taste.  And the afternoons here are torturous.  The dazzle hurts my eyes and I don’t even have my Versace shades.  

But I believe every cloud has a golden lining.  The other night when I was busy swatting mosquitoes, I got an idea that can change Paa’s life.  All he needs to do is accuse Ra-one of hiding WMD’s and then he can invade Lanka and finally get rid of his debt crisis.  Brilliant, right!  

Lanka may be friggin’ rich but I am being made to twiddle my thumbs under a tree.  Imagine getting abducted from a jungle only to be put in another one.  So tragic naa? Agreed that the forest is kind of well cared for and has a fancy name, Ashok Vatika, but why can’t I get a plush suite instead - with a plunge pool, soft bed and room service?  Isn’t a beautiful woman like me entitled to some tender loving and care?  

What a lousy host this Ra-One is.  Royalty, my foot, is this how you treat your guests! 

Strangely people out here are rather dark.  Hello people, don’t you ever use Fair and Lovely?  And remember that bitch Surpanakha.  I finally saw her without makeup and a seriously messed-up nose job.  Gosh! Doesn’t she look ugly.  Thank God! I didn’t accept her friend request on FB.

It’s been two weeks since I landed in Lanka and I am already bored to death.  I urgently need to be rescued.  Why, I’m even missing my FB friends!  Maa, can you please ask Ram to turn his GPS on? It will be so much simpler for him to locate me.  

And I suspect his highness, Ra-One, suffers from a serious multiple personality disorder – sometimes loony, sometimes moony, sometime giggly, mostly sulky.   How on Earth do I manage to attract such creepy specimens all the time? 

Oh and today was epic, the loony bin actually had the nerve to ask me to marry him.  What cheek! I shouted Shakal dekhi hai apnee aine mein?  And don’t you know I am MARRIED? Once my Mister gets here, you ass will be on fire, mind it!

You know Maa, I almost threw up on his face.  It’s not so difficult you know; as such the food here makes me pukey.  Every damn dish of theirs has kari patta and coconut!  And the other day someone served me something with claws.  I think they call it a crab. Eww...

Hey! Isn’t that a cute creature with a tail staring at me from behind the bushes!   Aww...he looks just like one of those characters from Planet of Apes.  Come ...come...want a banana?  Ahh you have a name too-  Hanu-man did you say?

Part 1
Part 3


-- Piiyush

Ramayana ...... - Part 3

Mommy love,

I can safely say that today was the most miserable day of my life.  Yes, I had a head on collision with the moment that every woman dreads so much.   We try hard to avoid it with yoga, zero carbs and botox.  Yet there’s no escaping its cruel inevitability.

I believe the animal kingdom, in collaboration with foreign hand, has hatched a conspiracy against me.  First a deer pretending to be golden gets me abducted then an ape-man dressed in Super- man gear, crashes my vanity into smithereens.   

Maa you won’t believe this, that Hanu-man called ME, Matajee! Imagine a grown-up ape-man calling me that! This is even worse than Aunty.  When I heard that god damn awful word, my entire neuro-sensory system stopped responding.  My world came crashing down.  All I could hear was the sound of my sobbing heart. “Does he think I am old?” “Have I aged overnight?” “Is this the end of my youth?” “Why me??” 

Sitasingstheblues.com

Just as I was preparing to launch into a tirade against men with juvenile aspirations, Hanu-man flashed his ID as Ram’s search engine.  My heart was split in half now- one half wanted to continue crying for a lost youth and the other half wanted to go “Yahooooo!”  Imagine my Ram, actually making efforts to send a snail-male to trawl for his missing wife! 

Guess all those hours on his laptop playing mindless games did not damage his brains after all. 

But when Hanu-man offered me a free ride home on his back, I had to put my foot down.  What makes Ram think he can take a shortcut and outsource his responsibility to a vanar in red chaddi!  I expect my husband to turn up, challenge Ra-One to a duel in the sun and take me back honourably.  And I have promised Ra-One that my Mister will set his ass on fire.  I can’t go back on my word can I? 

I tell you, my simian savior is one senti chap.  One look at my tear stained face and he went on a tree uprooting rampage.  Sadly the CCTV’s caught Hanu-man’s emotional outburst and he was promptly arrested.  But it was only when he was threatened to be deported to Big Boss 5 to give Shakti-man company, did he completely lose his bearings.  He set Lanka on fire with his ignited tail. 

Strangely Lanka with all its riches doesn’t have a fire brigade. 

Now that Ra-One is pretty much aware that I have Bodyguards who can do much more than sing songs sans their shirts, I have been granted certain privileges; like getting newspapers every morning with my morning tea.  And thanks to Hanu-man’s daredevilry, Ram has acquired a cult status here.  If the man’s courier boy is such a bomb, the man himself has to be an A-bomb.

Since Ram is now a bonafide rockstar, Times of Lanka has started publishing his tweets.  I am thrilled to bits that my man is now an international celebrity and rubbing shoulders with the likes of Poonam Pandey and KRK.   And last week his follower list crossed the 1 million mark – isn’t that awesome Maa! 

Anyhow I can now keep tabs on what Ram’s up to.

In talks with monkey engineer, Nala.

Nala to build a bridge that will put even the Worli Link to shame 

Just signed a peace pact with Varuna, the sea God

Man, do these monkeys love “We will rock you”!  Freddy would have been so proud!

Completed the bridge in 5 days flat -try beating that China! #monkeyingaround

On my way to Lanka with my funky monkeys to save wifey.

@Ra-One If you have drunk your mother’s milk, come and show me your face you Rascalaa! 

Laks-man knocked senseless by Ra-One’s missile.

Lanka’s stock of missiles will put even North Korea to shame.

Ra-One’s son Indrajeet is an awesome illusionist. #respect

@ Indrajeet WTF are you doing in Lanka, you should be in Las Vegas earning fat wads of dollars. 

Laks-man in coma #Oh-no-not-again

@ Hanu-man Need Sanjeevani booti ASAP

@ Hanu-man Did you really have to bring the entire mountain? #dumb antics

Finally managed to fell pesky Ra-One with my Brahmaastra #ikickass

;) RT @ Paris Hilton…Ooh that’s hot!

Gawd! Can Ra-One talk, even on his death bed the man insists on giving gyaan #Yawn

Ra-One enroute to heaven, Lanka seized, honour restored, time to go back home, sweet home.

Oops I forgot all about Sita, where the hell is she? 

The moment I read his last tweet, I booked an appointment for an image makeover.  The least I could do was look my prettiest best for my Ram. 

Maa, what I’ll write now will break your heart.  The husband for whose sake I left the Palace, didn’t think twice before following him to the jungles, cooked and cleaned all day in a poorly ventilated hut, got his name tattooed on my nape, pined for him, followed his idiotic tweets religiously - the same man greets me with a dead fish look and says since you’ve been with my enemy for a year, I shouldn’t be taking you back!  What cheek! As if I took a luxury cruise to Lanka!  As if I invited Ra-One to come and kidnap me!  As if staying in a vatika with ugly women for company was one big party!  As if it was fun eating grub cooked in coconut oil!  Dear Hubs, do you have any idea how difficult it was for me to keep my sanity intact, living in a hostile country, fending off an amorous king – I did it all for your sake, you self righteous moron!  

No, you don’t deserve me, my love or my respect.  Goodbye Ram.  And before you trudge back to Ayodhya to lead a sad, lonely life, let me share this piece of news with you. Rupa has offered me a multimillion dollar book contract to write my memoirs.  I just said yes to them and guess who the villain will be in my book? 

 Now if you will excuse me, I have a book to write.  

I can’t believe I said it Maa.  Gosh, this feels so good!

Your liberated daughter

Sita

Part 1
Part 2 


-- Piiyush

The LOnG LOsT POST !!!!!

The debacle of  PLAYERS made me find the long lost telephonic conversation
 between Money Ratnam and Abhishake Bachpan..


 Here it goes…

Abhishake Bachpan (AB) : Hello?

Money Ratnam (MR) : Hey, ABhi it’s me, Money.

AB : Yo! Money. Wassup! What do you want man?

MR : Money!

AB : I asked what do you want?

MR : Money, money.

AB : Yo, dude. Chill man (starts dancing to Genda Phool)

MR : Arey, no you idiot! Money...paisa, rokda. I was thinking of making a modern version of the Ramayana.

AB : Yo, man that sounds cool. Do I get to play like Ram or somethin’? 

Y’know bows, arrows n’ all?

AB : No, no. There’s a twist. I was thinking of doing it from the point of view of Raavan.

AB : Raavan? Who’s the hero?

MR : Viveik. No, no, I’m kidding. Raavan was a terrible demon. Let’s just say your acting is... erm, the opposite of awesome so you won’t have any problems getting into the skin of the character. Plus I am giving you the liberty go over the top this time.

AB : Wow, like wow!

MR : Think of a cross between Heath Ledger’s Joker on weed and Nana Patekar.

AB : Boy! that’s so khool. So what will this character be called?

Money starts looking around for inspiration. Suddenly his eyes fall upon an empty 0beer bottle. He starts thinking aloud to himself in Tamil which goes beer-a, beer-a.

AB : Beera, awesome. Who’s the leading lady?

MR : Um, Ashwarya?

AB : Awesome, dude! So what will her role be?

MR : Modern version of Sita. Tell her to have lots of food, so that she has the energy to shriek and scream throughout the film in her annoying high-pitched voice. Like she’s doing right now. I can hear her.

AB [angrily] : Aye Money, she’s not screaming man, she’s laughing. Pink Panther 2 is on.

MR : Then what is she laughing at?

[silence for 2 seconds]

Ahem...I digress. Why not double the fun? I was thinking of doing the same film in Tamil. Are you up for it?

AB : Er...No, I don’t do the Tamil accent. Only Hindi and fake American accent.

MR : Hmm...in that case I’ll have to rope in Vikram, who will play Ram in the Hindi version, to play Raavan in the Tamil version.

AB : So Vikram will be the villain in the Tamil version?

MR : No, he’ll be the hero.

AB : But you just said he’ll play Raavan.

MR : Yes

AB : So wasn’t Raavan the villain?

MR : Aiyo, rascal! Don’t confuse me!

AB : Ok chill...hey Money just hold on my servant is here. Ye saare shoe polishes expire ho gaye hai inko le jao.

MR : Wait! Don’t throw them away. We will need them to paint your face in the film.

AB : WTF?

MR : Yes, in order to show the audience that you’re a dark person on the inside, we'll smear your face with boot polish. But don’t worry your teeth will be sparkling white; a leading tooth paste brand is going to sponsor the film.

AB : Whatever dude....you’re strange guy, Money. Anyways, how do we promote this film?

MR : I was thinking of screening the first look of the film at the Cannes film festival. Your wife goes there every year right? Can’t she pull some strings?

AB : Of her dress?

MR : No! To sneak in a print of Raavan to show at the fest! Cannes is vital, because foreign film critics give rave reviews to bad films.

AB : Like Kites?

MR : Yes. And also Delhi-6.

[laughter for one entire minute]

AB : Money, showering fake praises on reality shows isn’t enough. We need a controversy.

MR : Two weeks before the release, you will go to all the news channels and praise Raavan. All the Ram/Shiv/Shankar senas will be charging at us like mad hungry bulls, tearing posters and stuff...you know the drill. Also say that you’re glad that Raavan chose Lanka for the battle and not Maharashtra and work is done. And if we’re really, really lucky, then someone will issue a fatwa against us. Bas. Picture hit, macha!

AB : What an idea, Sirji!

ABhishake hangs up. Turns to Ashwarya starts bulging his eyes, making weird faces, puts up 10 fingers and says loudly "DAS SARO WALA"!

Ashwarya starts screaming...or is she laughing?


--Piyush :)

Jaane Kaha Gaye Woh Din !!!

I'm feeling foolish and stupid. Not that I feel any different any other time of the day (or for that matter month or year, too) but I'm feeling particularly foolish. I was watching television the other day, randomly pressing buttons according to my wish and fancies when I stopped inadvertently at Doordarshan. The waviness of the channel was now a thing of the past and one could actually see the people without lines dancing up and down the bodies of the actors, which took me back to my childhood (which isn't too far behind). And all the stupid things I'd done. And I'm going to top it all up by publicly revealing all those things.

When I was in the fifth grade, Saif Ali Khan had more hair than Kareena Kapoor and Aamir Khan perfected the art of flops with Mela. And it was good. Rani Mukherjee's thighs spanned the entire screen. And, Subhash Ghai made movies like Pardes. It was an innocent time when Karan Johar made a campus movie with a signature move (remember the claps and the short touching on the nose?).

The gorilla-like gestures in KKHH were a rage among youngsters.I still remember a girl in my class got a haircut exactly like Kajol, and all the boys expecting her to turn up in short skirts next, only to our utter dismay, she turned up in school uniform and beat the hell out of us inthe mid- terms.

I remember when I had gone to watch KKHH in Anjali Theatre (yes, you may laugh), the power went off and one particular guy referred to the theatre owner's sister and ordered him to start the movie or face dire consequences (something related to bamboo going somewhere not very nice).

Film names were complete sentences (Har Dil Jo Pyaar Karega, Hum Toh Mohabbat Karega,Hum Dil DE Chuke Sanam, Hum Aapke Hai Kaun, Dilwale Dulhaniya Le Jaayenge and so on). We didn't have the near-perfect Deepika Padukone or the hunk-like Ranbir Kapoor then. We grew up on the Suniel Shetty (with his sinusoidal dialogue delivery), Jackie Shroff (who wasn't prehistoric), Govinda (who occupied a single seat) and the Khan brigade (without the appendixes like Zayed and Fardeen, etc), Sunny (Gadar) Deol with his audible best .

Hrithik Roshan had just burst on to the scene and his extra thumb was the talk among the girls: “Did you see his extra finger? Wow na!” At a camp, a guy had given me a random number and told me that it was Hrithik's number, and out of sheer curiosity, I had dialled the number not once, not twice but nine times! I demanded to speak to Hrithik every time and I wouldn't listen to any explanation whatsoever from the man who had tried telling me that the number belonged to a certain army officer. Only when he threatened to drop in home with an AK-47 (I knew it was a gun which went 'dhadhadhadhadhadha' thanks to Bollywood) did I stop bothering him. That was a close one.

TV was simpler. I remember Star Sports showing WWF (nay, WWE). Somewhere around 2001 was the peak for the single biggest fraud to have ever graced television. 'Stone Cold Steve Austin' was my role model, and Stacy Kiebler my fantasy. We used to wait for the Diva Specials just for the brief glimpse of the heavenly bodies. Broadband Internet was yet another fantasy and we would have had to sell ourselves to afford live streaming of, ahem, educational videos. In fact, I actually thought live streaming was impossible. I'd argued with my friend once saying, “Pagal hai kya? 25 MB ka video online kaise dekhega?” Of course, we also watched Undertaker vs. Mankind in the cage match where Mankind was thrown off the cage. But then there was Trish Status. Sigh. Ambling between the two was all we did during school lunch.

MTV and Channel V showed music videos, where Sameera Reddy was a demure girl, and John Abraham a simple biker in Pankaj Udhas (!) videos. Little did we know that Sameera Reddy would b right into our faces a few years later, or that John Abraham's butt would take biology to an altogether different level. The Aryans brayed like donkeys but we still listened to their songs. Boy bands and Britney were in fashion.

While listening to Backstreet Boys, my friend and I would listen to two lines, look at each others' faces, and ask, “Kya bola yeh? Samjha kya?” Only a few months back did I realise that the second line to 'Show Me The Meaning' was not “Is this the meaning I need to wanted”. I knew there was something wrong with my version, but then I'd never dared to question the wis-dom of the Backstreet Boys.

The only nudity on TV was Sourav Ganguly's hairy chest after India won the Natwest Trophy. And that was perhaps the only moment in history when the sight of a man baring his chest was met with countrywide approval and glee from men and women didn't give two hoots about it. The only reality on TV was that Baa was immortal and Tulsi was responsible for population explosion. her children were scattered around the country (perhaps one for each state?).

Our knowledge of politics too was limited to Advani's croaking and Vajpayee's 0.25X-speed speeches. I distinctly remember myself asking my father during the PM's speech, “Iske pehle wala word kya tha?” There were no blogs, no Facebook, no webcomics. If we had to express our opinion to someone, we had to speak our minds. Kids these days are smart though. Just a few days back, when conversation veered uncomfortably towards youth role, my stories debited more than their fair share of laughter from my 16-year old neice. She asked me, “Mama Bachpan mein you were really dumb, na?” I still am, dear bhanji. I still am. And it's public knowledge now...

-- Piiyush

We the Indians :)

ANT and the GRASSHOPPER

An Old Story:

The ant works hard in the sunny hot day  heat all summer, building its house and laying up supplies for the winter.  The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and laughs & dances & plays the summer away. Comes the winter, the ant is warm and well fed. The grasshopper has no food or shelter so he dies out in the cold.

Indian Version:

The ant works hard in the hot heat all summer building its house and laying up supplies for the winter.

The grasshopper thinks the ant's a fool and laughs & dances & plays the summer away.

Comes the winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others are cold and starving.

NDTV, BBC, AAJ-TAK,INDIA TV show up to provide pictures of the shivering grasshopper next to a video of the ant in his comfortable home with a table filled with food.

The World is stunned by the sharp contrast. How can this be that this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so?

Arundhati Roy stages a demonstration in front of the ant's house.

Anna Hazaare goes on a fast along with other grasshoppers demanding that grasshoppers be relocated to warmer climates during winter .

Menaka Gandhi is confused whose side to be on .. 

Mayawati states this as `injustice' done on Minorities.

UN International and Ban Ki-moon criticize the Indian Government for not upholding the fundamental rights of the Grasshopper.

The Internet is flooded with online petitions seeking support to the grasshopper Opposition MPs stage a walkout. Left parties call for ' Bengal Bandh' in West Bengal and Kerala demanding a Judicial Enquiry.

CM in Kerala immediately passes a law preventing ants from working hard in the heat so as to bring about equality of poverty among ants and grasshoppers.

Mamta Banerjee allocates one free coach to grasshoppers on all Indian Railway Trains, aptly named as the 'grasshopper Rath' and 'Duronto Grasshoppers'.

Finally, the Judicial Committee drafts the ' Prevention of Terrorism Against grasshoppers Act' [POTAGA], with effect from the beginning of the winter.

Kapil Sibal makes 'Special Reservation ' for grasshoppers in Educational Institutions & in Government Services.

The ant is fined for failing to comply with POTAGA and having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes,it's home is confiscated by the Government and handed over to the grasshopper in a ceremony covered by NDTV.

Arundhati Roy calls it ' A Triumph of Justice'.

Mamta Banerjee calls it 'Socialistic Justice'

Ban Ki-moon invites the grasshopper to address the UN General Assembly.

Many years later.....

The ant has since migrated to the US and set up a multi-billion dollar company in Silicon Valley, 100s of grasshoppers still die of starvation despite reservation somewhere in India , ...AND As a result of loosing lot of hard working ants and feeding the grasshoppers, .

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India is still a developing country !!!

-- Piiyush

........................ Whats Your Rashi ??

Hope You all Have a rocking year ahead especially after reading this ;) 

And please update your zodiac signs in the comment box below :P

 

Capricon (December 22 - January 19)
If you haven’t celebrated your birthday already, there is a great chance that you will before 19th Jan.
You may or may not find true love this year. It’s a fifty-fifty chance to be honest. Your lucky colours this year are fluorescent orange and magenta. Well not really but once you’re dressed like that it can’t get any worse. Wish you all the luck which you deserve !!

 Aquarius (January 20 -February 18)
It seems like the second month of the year is flying by too fast, but that’s because February has 28 days!!! Good news and bad news for those of you who have been trying to get a promotion – you will get more responsibility and work longer hour’s…. only you won’t be financially compensated for the same. You’r lucky colours this year will be shades of gold, yellow, bronze, green. All of this of course is pure speculation.

 Pisces (February 19 - March 20 )

You will be presented with many opportunities to make unexpected financial gains this year. Keep reminding yourself that end of the season sales are bad ideas. Try flying kites, make paper boats, aeroplanes. This might help you in gaining your self-confidence. True love will come knocking on your door….only to find out that you aren’t home. Your lucky number is the square of 414133 multiplied by the cube root of 6.34 [Special Advice – I suggest you Invest in a 12 digit scientific calculator]

 

Aries (March 21 - April 19 )
Pay close attention to Mundane details this year. Change your barber saloon. Brush your teeth twice a day and wash your hands after you use toilet. And remember if it burns when you pee, it’s probably something serious go visit a civil engineer as soon as possible.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20 )
You will feel optimistic [not optimus-prime] and vibrant throughout the year. Unfortunately no one gives a damm about that. Accept this harsh reality as soon as possible. You will meet your soul mate in this month of May. Sadly he/she is already taken. Don’t bother with lucky numbers and colours .This year is going to be one of your worst. On the brighter note this won’t be “THE WORST”

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
You will meet an attractive person from the opposite sex on a popular social networking site. A week later that person will reveal to you that he/she is infact a fat 45yr old uncle/aunty in an open relationship. I suggest you to abandon Facebook and head over to www.babashamdev.com at once. Wear a cyan-striped shirt with lilac coloured pants every Monday. This won’t change your luck, but it will at least brighten everyone else’s Monday.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
You will suffer from at least one common cold this year due to an unexpected change in the weather. Your boss will finally grant you that much awaited vacation leave …only he will pronounce it as “lay-off”. Students please don’t mess with your college office peon. Around the second half year you will meet your soul-mate. Unfortunately this is the same 45yr old uncle/aunt. I have already warned Gemini about this. You’re lucky colour is white, but every time you wear it a crow will poop on you.

Leo (July 23 - August 22 )
Besides weight gain, acne and unexplained hair growth, you will also make a small financial gain in the game of the housie. Do not trust Irfan Khan, lifetime prepaid sucks. You will travel a lot this year unfortunately your boss won’t pay you for this. Embarrassing details that have been hidden and forgotten may resurface this year. Destroy your 10th slambook at once.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22 )
There is a strange possibility of a change of residence after the bank seals your flat. Try watching IPL season four this year and please don’t curse Mumbai Indians the only eligible team to make finals this year [hope so] And if you curse this team you will develop nasty rash in an unmentionable place which will seriously hamper your sex life be sure to use your ointment. Your lucky number is the square of your pant size and cube of your dad’s shoe size (I've suggested Pisces to invest in 12 digit scientific calculator, you may borrow it).

Libra (September 23 - October 22 )

You will be determined to make a difference at work/college with your enthusiasm and optism, but I am really sorry to say that you will fail miserably. Don’t quit your job I suggest you to continue to half-ass your job. And old flame will return to your life resulting in some exciting romantic encounters. Unfortunately your patner will catch you in the act and dump you on the spot. Try to avoid Taurean’s , they’re going to have a miserable year ahead.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21 )

Plan a surprise for your loved one …. Dump him/her. A promising money making scheme will present itself this year. Let me remind you once again that the Scheme is a Scam. Try watching movies like RVG ki “AGG” and Khidki kholo sajna and television series like Indian Idol and some of fektaa kapoors daily soaps if intrested. Your lucky number is the sum of your phone number multiplied by the exact value of pie (Virgo might be helpful here). Got it !!

 Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21 )
Finance will be good as long as you stay away from the stock exchange market. A guest from a foreign land may visit you. This may also be an exotic virus. The only antivirus can heal this is the Mumbai famous “Atmaram antivirus” (40 bucks Chor Baazaar). Read varieties of newspaper in toilet. Donate all your money to people like me. Pay attention to what comes out of your nose. Your lucky number is 1.37 and lucky colour is Naseerudin Shah’s hair colour.