Divorced Bachelor ;)

Although my blog is written with a men's perspective, I don’t deny the struggles of women.

Divorce should never be your first option, nor should it be your second. But when there is nowhere else to turn to get yourself back, divorce can sometimes be the only option left. It can save you from the pain that you were never meant to feel for the rest of your life.

Even though divorce numbers are going up by the day - it is still a Taboo in Indian society no matter how educated or 'forward' we are.

Marriage is considered so holy in India that if anyone talks about divorce he is looked at as a third rated criminal.

Never mind how unhappy couples are, they are expected to just stay together and have a smile on your face & play nice for world to see. 

It's not easy for anyone be it a girl or a boy. Everyone faces certain challenges and issues depending upon the circumstances:

Are you young or in advanced age?

Are you in a metro or a small town?

Was the relationship too hard before it broke or just snapped without much struggle?

• The girl just left without much drama about money and other allegations

Are you on your own or with family (Parents?)

Let's see a typical day of one such divorced bachelor ;)

6.45 AM: Alarm rings. Snoozes it, hug it and back to sleep.

It's both. It doesn't hug you back. On the other hand, it doesn't refuse to let you hug it either.

7:00AM: Wake up. Head to bathroom. The seat can be up or down, doesn't matter. If its broken, just put it there for now, and fix it over next weekend or the next one.. or the next..

7:30 AM: Get tea. If mom's around, she will make it. If not, make the tea (It's really a big deal considering the probability that Milk is available). Have tea and read newspaper, another round of tea, all quite. Barely any words spoken yet.

8:30 AM: Hit the shower. Put all your laundry for washing. (When mom's not around), adjust your office timing to accommodate maid's timing. Nothing new here. Used to do it when I a bachelor.

9:15 AM: Get to work, catch up with people.. start work..

somewhere between 10:00 AM – 1:00 PM: in a middle of drafting email or a meeting or something. I am going to die alone. How is this going to turn out. Where was I wrong. Why…' take a break. Head for another round tea (read smoke). Same thoughts going on… in 15 mins, some will join you and divert your thoughts.. so you heard the news? About #Brexit, someone leaving office, boss wanted those presentations….' back to reality. Back to work.

4:00 PM: Panic attack round 2. Same routine as morning.

6:30 PM: That's it. I don’t want to do this crazy work anymore. I am calling it a day. Why should I work like this? I don't have anyone to earn for. I should just quit this circus and do something better.

ab ghar ja kar kya karunga? Sit in car for 10 mins and try to figure out, if you can think of someplace to go.

7:30 PM: Park your car, walk to the local tea joint. Enjoy tea, smoke, lost in your thoughts. Speak to no one. No one calls you to check where are you.

8:00 PM:

(if mom's around)

What for dinner?

Mom: xyz.

You: what crap, you make what you wish, never cook what I like. Too spicy or no spicy... blah blah blah…

(whatever be the topic of fight it boils down to: Just leave my home and go, it's all your fault.)

Mom: don't put your blame on me. You screwed up. Blah blah blah.

(if mom's not around)

Put on TV.. nothing interesting.

Put a channel that has something with loudest noise and minimum nuisance value and walk away (Some music channel usually).

Call home.. Give Daily updates.. Crib about all the things in the world.

Dinner time.. Check if maid has cooked or eat out? Or order?

Too many options... Fridge has some things, but I don't want to eat this.

Wish someone else could just decide what to eat.

Idea. Let me first take that laundry for ironing and decide about dinner on the way.

9:00 PM: Buy Beer on the way back from laundry (its “just a little off“ the way) and Damn! That a hot girl. Sulk. You are going to be alone. There. That sure wasted my beer. Now I need another pint.

10:00 PM: Just eat whatever is there. It's not like you are a health freak but essentially eat what is  convenient and justify to yourself).

10:00 – 1 AM: (TV/net time)

If TV:

Watch TV and think 'what the hell am I going do with my life? How the hell am I going to live like this. Life is so difficult. How the hell are all these guys able to manage it.

Saala bacha adopt kar leta hu? Par usko paalunga kaise akele?'

If Net:

Go to Quora, read for an hour.. get bored. Another social site for a while. Get bored. See Facebook updates, sulk.

1 AM:

Where’s the mobile let me check if I have any messages.. Reply to every damn message on whatsapp(group, no one messages you in person). Doze off.

AND…

6.45AM -1 AM: Its always at the back of the mind. The voices just don't stop…..

Some days:

6:30 PM:

Friend calls: Abey, kidhar hain?

Me: office.

Him: lets meet. I am coming. (read: I want to drink. You are single. You are my company.)

6:30 – 9:30 – 10 PM:

In some bar, him cribbing: my wife and I fought…..blah blah blah..(marital life crib, same story different couple)

Weekends:

Nothing much to do: Call friends.. and usually this is how it goes…

Guy 1: Family thingy.. Shopping

Guy 2: (Separated), he'll just crib. Forget it

Guy 3: Taking kids out.

Guy 4: Wife out. Me and kids home.. come over.. (read: we are gonna watch pogo.)

Guy 5: (Separated): He's too weird. Am not meeting him..

And ends up usually with some family friends and discuss where's the industry heading, the country is heading.

And then mandatory 'shaadi kar le' talks. 

Me: Never again! (It wasn't a pleasant marriage and it been a very rough divorce. I am not doing it again.)

Hopefully, I will get up some day, with no negative thoughts in the head and move on with life :)   

                                                                                                                                              -- Piyush

How it Changed.

Here I am sitting in my office @ night…
Thinking hard about life
How it changed from a college life to strict professional life…...

How tiny pocket money changed to huge monthly paychecks
but then why it gives less happiness….

How a few local denim jeans changed to new branded wardrobe
but then why there are less people to use them...

How a single plate of samosa changed to a full Pizza or burger
But then why there is less hunger…..

Here I am sitting in my office @ night…
Thinking hard about life,
How it changed…..

How a bike always in reserve changed to car with full tanks..
but then why there are less places to go……

How Taprees changed to cafe coffee day
but then why its feels like shop is far away…..

How a limited prepaid card changed to postpaid package
but then why there are less calls & more messages……

Here i am sitting in my office @ night…
Thinking hard about life
How it changed…..

How a general class journey changed to Flight journey
But then why there are less vacations for enjoyment….

How an old assembled desktop changed to new branded laptop
but then why there is less time to put it on……….

How a small bunch of friends changed to office mate
But then why we always feel lonely n miss those college friends.….

Here i am sitting in my office @ night…
Thinking hard about life
How it changed….. How it changed

-- Piiyush

Take A Bow Master !!!

On days like this, I feel like such a proud Indian. Cricket makes the world go round—if you’re Indian that is. If you’re not, well then, you have no clue what you’re missing out on. When people tell me Cricket is ‘lame’ or ‘it’s a poor man’s baseball’, I fume with anger. Then I look to them, smile and say, “I have one name for you: Sachin Tendulkar.” Burn. The God of Cricket, whom I grown up looking up to for a number of reasons, has never failed to silence his critics. More recently, they were on his back after he seemed to be having a rather lackluster few months on the pitch; they all believed he needed to throw in the towel and call it a day. The media went gung ho over his 100th century, which was just not happening for the Master Blaster. But we never heard Tendlya utter a single word. As usual, being the true professional that he is,  Sachin decided to let his bat speak. And amidst the intense pressure,  it finally happened which forced his critics had to do the one thing we all knew they’d eventually do:  eat their dirty words. 



March 16, 2012. India vs. Bangladesh, Asia Cup. 

Sachin Tendulkar scores his 100th hundred. I.e. 10,000 one ton runs. And if you think for a minute, that he’ll get a big head about it, trust me, he’s modest as he’ll ever be. If you managed to witness this historic moment, you were in for a delightful treat. Every single signature Sachin Tendulkar shot was played in this epic innings. And thus, it became the most beautiful innings to be played. At 99, our hearts stopped. We waited with abated breath. Then, it happened. I don’t know about anyone else, but I definitely choked up. I had just witnessed history in the making. It’s most likely that no other cricketer will ever go on to achieve such a monumental triumph. And the fact that it is Tendulkar just made this occasion that much more special.

The Master Blaster himself, who couldn’t understand why his 100th century was such a big deal especially since his 99th century occurred at the World Cup last year, simply looked to the sky, thanked the heavens and then pointed to his helmet. This was an achievement for the country. This is how he is, Sachin Ramesh Tendulkar; just like this.
To his critics, all I want to say is: “Take that.” How anyone can even suggest that SRT is incapable, has lost his touch or is plain old, is blasphemy. There is a reason why he is the best cricketer on this planet, this is why. He doesn’t care what his so-called “critics” have to say. And neither do us, his fans.

As for Sachin, when he’s ready, he’ll call it quits. Who are we to tell The God that his time is up? Mere mortals, we are. We should just be grateful that we were able to witness a world class innings filled with elegance, style, passion and one that was a slap to everyone who believed he wouldn’t/couldn’t do it.

SRT, take a bow. I knew you’d eventually make that ton; I had no doubt. And I’m damn sure you’ll do it again. You may not consider yourself a god, but we sure as hell will bow to you. A hundred 100’s and beyond, you Legend you.

Ramayana....... - Part 1

Maa,

I am kicking myself for being so goody-goody.  I should have stayed back and gotten fat.  But no! I had to act like one those dumb belles in the saas-bahu serials and follow my husband to the forest like a loyal puppy.  What was I thinking!  Sigh… Life was so much cooler at the Palace – all those maids, the soft bed, the scented massage, the gorgeous Jacuzzi…I miss it so bad. And it wasn’t that tough you know.  They mostly stuck to their rooms and all they did was play cards and watch TV. 

Actually it’s Paa-in-law’s fault.  He and his fetish for collecting wives!   Which dork sends his heir to the jungles just because he made a promise to his pretty young wife?  Promises are meant to be broken right? And if everything else fails you can always feign memory loss.  But no! You have to act all upright and send us packing to hell. Gawd! I am so maaaad at him! 

  

Maa, next time when you meet that jealous bitch Kaikeyi at one of your Kitty parties, just give her a tight slap will ya?  You know what, I often dream that I am pushing K and her ugly hunchback Manthra off a cliff.  They go down screaming as I grin widely.   I wish I could do that.  Will you ask Dad, if he can arrange someone to crush that bitch under a speeding BMW?  Please, pretty please? 

sitasingstheblues.com

I was such a fool to think that life in the forest will be like one of those iDiscoveri camps we attended in school.  And that the raw diet would do wonders for my skin and size zero dreams!   I am soo sick of my vegan diet.  If they make me eat another banana, I swear I’ll puke.  And guess what! Even Dominos refuses to deliver here. What cheek! Saying no to royalty.  Wait till I get back, I’ll make sure their license is revoked. 

Life here is even worse than Ram Gopal Varma’s Jungle.  The connectivity is so poor.  Every time I try to log in, I get disconnected.  I haven’t chatted to my FB friends since ages and when I finally managed log in, there was not a single message waiting for me on my wall.  Har ek friend traitor hota hai! Just because I am not rich anymore they think they can treat me like trash! 

Wait till I get back, I will unfriend them all.

I wish I hadn’t fallen in love with Ram at first sight.  This is what happens when you read too many Mills & Boons.  It’s all your fault, you and your hugest collection of those trashy sweet pills which are nothing but a pack of lies!  In reality the strong silent types are crashing bores who prefer laptops to their wives!  Gosh! Maa he’s such a video game junkie.  All he does he play Angry Birds,Assassin’s Creed and pump iron.  I admit that it was his six packs that I actually fell for and he kinda looked cute with his long hair in a bun.  And yeah!  The way he stringed Pa’s ancient bow was kinda hot.  But a woman needs to talk and feel special.  And does he do that?  No sire.  All he does is criticize and sulk when I snap back.

To think I sacrificed the admiration of my hundred admirers to face the criticism of one idiot.  

And that bro-in-law of mine Laksh-man, he kinda freaks me out – acting like my bodyguard, flexing his muscles and giving me that “I’m watching you girl” look!  Yeah! Right!  Get a life dude.  Ram and I could have had a second honeymoon, but for you and your annoying habit of following us like a shadow!   That stupid hut doesn’t even have enough rooms and I keep crashing into that jerk all the time.  And does he eat!  All I do is cook all the time. Nobody even has the decency to ask if I need help.  

Men I tell you.  

I haven’t told you this, have I?  A woman, Surpanakha had been stalking Ram.  I understand my man is quite a chick magnet until he opens his mouth.   So, she was bombarding him with texts and acting all cheap and desperate.  But I know my man, he played cool and disinterested even though she was kinda pretty.  I know coz I checked her albums on FB.  What an amazing wardrobe that woman has and look at me, a walking fashion disaster in my one piece saffron wrap!   It’s been so long since I shopped at Dolce & Gabbanna.  Sigh….

Anways you know naa, Laks always had anger management issues.  One day when Surpanakha was trying to get all hot and heavy with Ram, that joker took out his Swiss knife and chopped her nose off!  Of course she got mad, with plastic surgery so expensive and the poor girl doesn’t even have a medical insurance that covers her nose. I guess shit happens all the time.

I wonder if she’s planning to sue us.

And now even I have managed my very own personal stalkers, not one but two of them. They are dark and one of them is a lil weird.  Remember Abhishekh Bacchan in that ridiculous movie Ravan? One of them kinda looks like him.   I am not too sure whether I should tell Ram.  As such he’s so stressed about that Surpanakha episode. 

Wait!  I just spotted a deer outside of my window.  Hey! It’s a golden colour.  Shit! Where is that damn camera of mine.  I better click some awesome pics and upload it on FB so that all my loser friends know what a good time I am having. 

Maa, I gotta run, will call you tonight.

Mwaah

Sita.

Part 2 
Part 3




-- Piiyush

Ramayana ...... - Part 2

Mommy dearest,

First the good news – I finally managed my first ever foreign trip and that too without a visa.  The bad news – I have been kidnapped.

Remember the golden deer I was soo excited about?  It turned out to be as fake as Aunty Sumitra's Louis Vuitton bags.  And trust Ram and Laks-man to go running after it.  Before I could scream Come back you imbeciles, I spotted that weird Abhishekh Bachhan lookalike winking wildly at me.  God! I was so mad that I had to come out of my eco friendly hut to give him one tight slap.  And you know what that moron does? Pushes me straight into his private jet.  Damn! Why did I leave my pepper spray behind?

Sometimes the universe conspires to give you hell. 

Weirdo’s private jet was kinda strange – an open topped thingy that totally messed up my hair.  Of course I was screaming and throwing a royal fit and that ass kept going hahaha.  Incidentally my dear abductor has a bizarre name – Ra-One. Bwahaha!

Sitasingstheblues.com

Ra-one is such a heartless slob.   Great, that you found me so irresistible that you had to kidnap me.  The least you can do is make the girl happy, right?   But what does he do instead?  Turn a deaf ear when I plead with him to make a stop-over at the ATM in Smaller- Kailash so that I can withdraw some pocket-money.  Brute.  But I got my sweet revenge soon. A giant eagle, Jatayu, flew over our jet and pooped right on his head.  Serve you right!  And guess what the barbarian does, he chops that poor birdie’s wings off.  Why I ask? When you could have simply offered Jatayu a few diapers instead...  

Men, I tell you.

Then it suddenly struck me, what if Ram can never ever find me again?   What if he says...”Oops I lost my wifey” and proceeds to live happily ever after?  I can’t let that happen, can I?  So I start dropping my trinkets (only the cheap ones if you please) and leave clues for my husband.  

Ha!  Now hubby dear can’t claim to be clueless.  

Ra-One has brought me to this strange land, Lanka and he’s like the king or something.  And man! Is he loaded!  You should see his city.  All that glitters is gold here.  Can you imagine, even their buildings are made of it!  Their gold fixation can put even Bappi Lahiri to shame.  But I found it too blingy for my taste.  And the afternoons here are torturous.  The dazzle hurts my eyes and I don’t even have my Versace shades.  

But I believe every cloud has a golden lining.  The other night when I was busy swatting mosquitoes, I got an idea that can change Paa’s life.  All he needs to do is accuse Ra-one of hiding WMD’s and then he can invade Lanka and finally get rid of his debt crisis.  Brilliant, right!  

Lanka may be friggin’ rich but I am being made to twiddle my thumbs under a tree.  Imagine getting abducted from a jungle only to be put in another one.  So tragic naa? Agreed that the forest is kind of well cared for and has a fancy name, Ashok Vatika, but why can’t I get a plush suite instead - with a plunge pool, soft bed and room service?  Isn’t a beautiful woman like me entitled to some tender loving and care?  

What a lousy host this Ra-One is.  Royalty, my foot, is this how you treat your guests! 

Strangely people out here are rather dark.  Hello people, don’t you ever use Fair and Lovely?  And remember that bitch Surpanakha.  I finally saw her without makeup and a seriously messed-up nose job.  Gosh! Doesn’t she look ugly.  Thank God! I didn’t accept her friend request on FB.

It’s been two weeks since I landed in Lanka and I am already bored to death.  I urgently need to be rescued.  Why, I’m even missing my FB friends!  Maa, can you please ask Ram to turn his GPS on? It will be so much simpler for him to locate me.  

And I suspect his highness, Ra-One, suffers from a serious multiple personality disorder – sometimes loony, sometimes moony, sometime giggly, mostly sulky.   How on Earth do I manage to attract such creepy specimens all the time? 

Oh and today was epic, the loony bin actually had the nerve to ask me to marry him.  What cheek! I shouted Shakal dekhi hai apnee aine mein?  And don’t you know I am MARRIED? Once my Mister gets here, you ass will be on fire, mind it!

You know Maa, I almost threw up on his face.  It’s not so difficult you know; as such the food here makes me pukey.  Every damn dish of theirs has kari patta and coconut!  And the other day someone served me something with claws.  I think they call it a crab. Eww...

Hey! Isn’t that a cute creature with a tail staring at me from behind the bushes!   Aww...he looks just like one of those characters from Planet of Apes.  Come ...come...want a banana?  Ahh you have a name too-  Hanu-man did you say?

Part 1
Part 3


-- Piiyush